So, despite what your parents, teachers, and clergymen have told you, you’ve decided to read on about what Rob has to say about New Jersey.
Well, I’m going to share with you a secret that only Jerseyans know, at great personal risk to myself and my loved ones:
New Jersey is a wonderful place to live!
“What!” I hear you cry. “What about all the stories of industrial waste?” Well, those stories are true—to a point.
You see, unlike Californians, Jerseyans have brains. To keep people from flooding their state, they made sure that the major interstate artery—the I-95, better known as the Jersey Turnpike or Hell’s Highway (depending on to whom you speak)—went through some of the worst real estate on the planet: refineries, heavy industry, iron works, slaughterhouses, Newark, et cetera. Meanwhile, if you took the Garden State Parkway, you got to see pine forests, the oceans, the lighthouses, the tollbooths, a ridiculous cultural center that looks like a 1950’s UFO, et cetera. True, houses are starting to appear on the sides of the road, but it’s still a nicer drive.
I’d like to live in New Jersey, but I would have to make an entirely new set of friends, and with my social skills, that could take years…
SAM: “Easy sport. I got myself out of Beruit once. I think I can out of New Jersey.”
MITCH: “Yeah? Well don’t be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.”