The Wabe → Bitter Nerd™ Reviews → Ten (plus one) Cartoons that NEED to be Released on DVD
Goodness, is it time for another Bitter Nerd™ Review? Here’s my Top Ten list of cartoons that need to be released on DVD otherwise society will perish. (And if any of these ARE on DVD right now, please tell me.)
Plot Summary: Gargoyles, mystical creatures of stone that come to life only at night, are placed into a deep slumber by a mage in the 10th century. One thousand years later, a mad billionare awakens them for a dark purpose.
Yes, I know Disney’s Gargoyles is slated for release this year, but it sounds like they’re just going to re-release “The Heroes Awaken,” which is the first five episodes converted into a two-hour movie. I have this already, on LaserDisc no less. I want the whole series, damn it, especially the episode with the clones named after L.A. landmarks. Considering Disney’s failure to produce anything original of merit in the last few years and their recent disturbing enthusiasm for sequels of classics, it is amazing that they haven’t considered a Gargoyles DTV movie.
Victory! I bought the complete first season on DVD the day it was released, and season two is not far behind. One series down, ten to go…
Plot Summary: Two pilots, wrongly drummed out of the service for failing to obey orders, become vigilantes with the help of a high-powered jet. All the characters are cats, and cat puns abound.
It’s a real toss-up deciding between Gargoyles and Swat Kats (both of which were cancelled for not being toyetic), so consider this a tie for first place. Best episodes: “Caverns of Horror” for the monsters, “Cry Turmoil” for the amusingly bad melodrama.
Plot Summary: A young scientist combines five goofball robots into a super-robot to battle an interstellar terrorist organization lead by a computer the size of a continent.
Japanese Anime designed for an American audience. Up until Gargoyles, I considered Mighty Orbots to be the state of the art. What struck me about Mighty Orbots was the vivid use of bright colors to heighten certain scenes; most cartoons tend to go for more subtle tones and shades. Best example of this is “The Jewel of Targon,” which has scenes on four different planets, each with strikingly different coloring. Dark Water was probably the only other cartoon ever to achieve colors like this.
Plot Summary: A monkey sent into space during the early ’60s is revived by an ethereal alien race to battle a man who wants to become a black hole so that he can swallow the universe.
The cast alone makes this cartoon worthwhile: Jerry Doyle (of B5 fame) playing the egotistical, semi-competent, Shatneresque captain; Dom Irrera (of Dr. Katz fame) playing the kleptomaniac spider monkey; and Malcolm McDowell (yes, that Malcolm McDowell) playing the psychotic monkey with the ejectable brain. It’s the character interaction and tiny side-stories that make the whole series work, even more than the above-average plots. A complete release of the series would be wonderful, a complete release minus the regrettable “Planet of the Humans” (a saccharine morality tale that would put the writers of “He-Man” to shame) would be perfect.
Plot Summary: In a dehumanized future, the largest corporation on Earth initiates “Project GKR” which will produce a super-soldier to destroy all remaining resistance. Unfortunately for them, the prototype is stolen before it is programmed. Unfortunately for the thief, the prototype is a complete goof who would rather consider the potential of bell-bottom shorts (“fashionable and breezy!”) than the imminent destruction of humanity.
The show is practically ineffable, but the closest I’ve come to capturing the essence of Project: GeeKeR is “the perfect fusion of William Gibson’s Neuromancer with Bill Griffith’s Zippy the Pinhead.” Those familiar with the series are nodding their heads, those unfamiliar are saying “That just can’t be done!” Well, it can be done, and the results are marvelous. The “What is Love?” argument between the romantic Noah the Dinosaur and the bitter Lady MacBeth is an animation milestone.
Plot Summary: Ren, a young lighthouse keeper, finds that his destiny is to collect the Treasures of Rule to destroy the scourge of Dark Water that is poisoning his planet. Hampering his quest is a monstrous pirate warlord that follows the young prince and his crew all over the distinctly alien world.
Beautifully done, well-written—it seemed like this was the beginning of a renaissance for the Hanna-Barbara studios, a renaissance they quickly squandered (damn you, Ted Turner!) after giving up early on some of their best series (Swat Kats, Two Stupid Dogs being the others). The characters are beautifully rendered, and are just alien enough to be thoroughly creepy (even the good guys!). Plots and sub-plots abounded, which belied the episodic presentation of the series. Since only eight of the thirteen treasures were ever found, it’s fair to say that more episodes were planned but never completed. Fortunately I have the first five on LaserDisc, albeit edited to fit into the two hour capacity of the disc.
Plot Summary: A young boy, destined to be the hero of the modern age, is thrust into service before he is ready because his mortal enemy has freed himself from his subterranean prison and is setting the stage for armageddon.
Personally, I think that this series—like The Transformers and Inhumanoids—got more flack than it deserved because it was a half-hour long toy commercial. Gordon Bressack (of Space Monkeys fame) and the other writers for Mighty Max took the ball and ran with it, producing some of the most bizarre plots and perfect one-liners imaginable (“I condemn you to the realm of the ancient dead!” “You mean Miami?”).
Plot Summary: After cutting a helical swath around half the world, a mad scientist schemes to cover the remaining “free zones” with his mind control spores. An elite team, wearing suits made of an incredibly rare material that protects them from the spores, befoul his attempts but make no headway into freeing those trapped in the spiral zone.
As one anonymous wag said, if it weren’t for the fact that the bad guys are covered with fungus you couldn’t tell one side from the other. Maybe that’s hyperbole, but only just. The one character that does stand out is the thoroughly evil Dr. Richard Bent (gotta love the name, amazing it got past the censors), a.k.a. “Overlord.” He’s cold and calculating without falling into the easy trap of being psychotically camp.
Plot Summary: Marshall Moo (an anthropomorphic bull) and his posse round up the bad guys in this spoof of the classic western.
Despite the show being a furvert’s wet dream, a quick Google search shows little slash fandom for The C.O.W.boys of Moo Mesa even though the characters fulfill more gay stereotypes than the Village People. It’s a giggle, and possibly the last bright spot of the pre-PMRC Saturday Morning lineup.
Plot Summary: A mad scientist arrives during the Cretaceous Period to raise a mighty army of sentient dinosaurs. His first batch refuse to fight for him, so he discards them. His second batch decide to fight him instead. Adding to the chaos is the untimely arrival of an incredibly anal-retentive cop, the end result is that all the sentients are thrown forward through time into the modern era.
Poor Dr. Argor. One can almost feel sorry for him. If the cop chasing him is any indication of the society on his homeworld then the pets probably wear uniforms, going to the bathroom requires the proper forms filled out (in triplicate), and littering is a guaranteed top spot on the nightly news. There’s not much redeemable about this cartoon except that the fight choreography is far above par for a throwaway and the writers obviously were having far too much fun. It struck a chord with me and remains a favorite.
Plot Summary: Three gargantuan monsters from the past, long dormant underground, burst forth to plague the modern world. A team of geologists travel to their underground lairs to ruin their plans for enslaving humanity.
Technically this shouldn’t be on the list, since the first nine episodes are available on DVD, including the disturbing birth of Dr. Mangler a.k.a “Nightcrawler.” Unfortunately, it looks like the final four episodes—including the hilarious “Primal Passions”—will not be released by Rhino. One can only hope otherwise…
Last Modified: 2005/03/22 07:13:57 GMT
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