The Wabe → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page: Questions 60-69
(Answer-27 Oct 1997)
The question was:
> Oh, Almighty Oracle, whose feet are fungus-free and whose
> breath smells of elderberries...
>
> Why is Babylon 5 so much better than Star Trek: Voyager?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Whoa there, pardner. Before we ask "why," we better be sure of our
} facts (and, just for fun, I'm going to throw in "Dr. Who" to boot):
}
} CAPTAIN:
} Babylon 5: Capt. Scarecrow
} Voyager: Capt. Columbo
} Dr. Who: Various
} Winner: Voyager
} Comment: Actually a tossup, but Kate is much more easy on the eyes.
}
} SHIP:
} Babylon 5: Giant space station
} Voyager: Speedy little starship
} Dr. Who: Phone booth
} Winner: Voyager
} Comment: Like "DS9," the characters spend more time OFF the station
} than on it.
}
} MAJOR PLOT THEME:
} Babylon 5: "Government is evil."
} Voyager: "Get off my ship."
} Dr. Who: "No matter where I go, trouble."
} Winner: Babylon 5
} Comment: While it is nice to see Kate running around in a tank top,
} it gets tiring after a while. Besides, Babylon 5 is the
} most realistic.
}
} BEST ENEMY:
} Bablyon 5: Shadows
} Voyager: Borg
} Dr. Who: Daleks
} Winner: Babylon 5/Dr. Who (tie)
} Comment: In all of the Star Treks, the enemy was always America's
} enemy du jour: Roddenbery had little imagination (or a
} great sense of irony). The Klingons were Russians (gruff,
} aggressive, but fun on an odd level), the Romulans were
} Chinese (devious, manipulative), the Cardassians were Iraqi
} (totalitarian, brutal), and the Borg were Microsoft
} ("Resistance is useless. You will be assimilated").
}
} SPECIAL EFFECTS:
} Voyager: Models, matte painting
} Babylon 5: CGI
} Dr. Who: Latex, Papier-mache
} Winner: Voyager
} Comment: The Oracle *hates* Gouraud shading.
}
} SEX:
} Voyager: Lots
} Babylon 5: Lots
} Dr. Who: None
} Winner: Voyager/Babylon 5 (tie)
} Comment: Considering how perverted the British can be at times, this
} is surprising. There wasn't even innuendo.
}
} POSSIBLE NEW EPISODES:
} Voyager: Yes
} Babylon 5: Only on TBS
} Dr. Who: No (the BBC is twisted scum)
} Winner: Voyager
} Comment: Considering how loyal TBS is to its series, I don't give B5
} much longer. (The Oracle is still furious with TBS for
} canceling "Swat Kats.")
}
} And the winner is... "Dr. Who."
} Reason: The least pretentious of all the series. A simple,
} easy-to-follow plot that doesn't require hiring Frontline
} to analyze (unlike Babylon 5) and doesn't require deus ex
} machina particles to seal plot holes (unlike Voyager), but
} still thoroughly entertaining for everybody. If you don't
} like the story, laugh at the special effects.
}
} You owe the Oracle Tom Baker's autograph.
(Question-28 Oct 1997)
The question was:
> They call them the "Seven W's": Who, What, Where, Which, When, Why, and How.
>
> Shouldn't that be Whow?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} All depends on who's saying it, sweetie.
(Answer-12 Nov 1997)
The question was:
> Oracle, better than a crushed kneewcap, whose nose smells like roses (but
> does not actually smell roses) - tell me...why ar ebell clams so damn hard
> to cook?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Ar Ebell clam-- or more popularly, "desert clam"-- is a marvel of
} evolution. Found only in the Ar Ebell desert, this unique mollusk has
} developed a thick membrane that traps moisture within but allows oxygen
} and waste to pass through, allowing it to reduce its metabolism until
} moisture is abundant.
}
} The secret to cooking Ar Ebell clams is to remove that membrane. Most
} people just tear it off (and destroy the clam in the process), but the
} real secret is to soak it in lemon juice overnight. The next morning
} the membrane will just fall off.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tundra lobster (with garlic butter).
(Answer-07 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> Oracle, most wise, before whom BC3K is fun to play, I come
> before you as a humble supplicant with the following
> question:
>
> Derek Smart has *tons* of friends. People are
> constantly talking about him on c.s.i.p.g.strategy.
> What do I need to do to become as popular as
> he is?
>
> I humbly await your reply,
> Hymie
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's all in a name. Listen: "Derek Smart." Crisp. Clean. Highly
} Anglo-Saxon. der-ECH smarTTT. Just listen to those consonants.
}
} Compare that to "Hymie." Nasal. Feminine. Easily mocked. hi-MEE.
} Brings to mind the poor kid always beaten up on the playground.
}
} Change your name to "Dirk Vicious." dirKK vish-ohSSSS. Guaranteed
} results.
(Question-07 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> How many licks does it take to get to the center of a woodchuck?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, let's see. First off, I'd zot you today for the lack of even a
} rudimentary grovel, but I'm still bummed out by the death of Sonny Bono (he
} represented the promise that even small weird-looking guys could get it on
} with sexy long-legged chicks), so I'll overlook it just this once and
} proceed directly to the matter at heart.
}
} A typical bottle of Woodchuck cider is 16oz, so the center of a Woodchuck
} would be 8oz. I'm not sure why you're licking it rather than drinking it
} like a normal person, but experiemental research done at the prestigious
} Oracle Labs determined that the average lick can carry around .08oz (lapping
} does better, but is impolite), so the average person would take 100 licks to
} get to the center of a Woodchuck. Lisa did it in 53 licks, but she's
} *really* good at licking...
}
} You owe the Oracle a good recipee for owl and turtle stew.
(Question-09 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> Knowing how you feel about woodchucks, I'm curious to know what was your
> opinion of the movie "Groundhog Day"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ever since Groundhog Day came out, it's become somewhat of a mini-cult
} movie. As a result, they always play it at repertory theatres every
} February 2. Year after year, they just play it over and over, year after
} year, they always play it, it just keeps playing over and over and over
} again...
}
} You owe the Oracle a way of removing Andie McDowell from any movie she's
} been in.
(Question-12 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> } You owe the Oracle a really mindboggling question about the art of Odd
> } Nerdrum, the famous Norwegian painter.
>
> OK,
>
> How did the art of Odd Nerdrum, the famous Norwegian painter, affect the
> evolution of modern deconstructionalism?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Nerdrum wasn't a deconstructionalist, he was an
} antiecclesiodisetablishmentarianist. The
} antiecclesiodisetablishmentarianist movement had very little impact on
} modern (or pre- or post-modern, for that matter) deconstructionalism.
} However, Nerdrum's work had a profound impact on the movement in art
} towards neo-antiecclesiodisetablishmentarianism, particularly in the
} field of impressionistic-surreal-neoantiecclesiodisetablishmentarianism.
} Hope this cleared it up for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle an English word longer than
} antiecclesiodisetablishmentarianistic and a round of Scrabble.
(Answer-17 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> Hey Oracleman, riddle me this!
>
> Expand (x-a)*(x-b)*(x-c)*...*(x-z)
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Holy Hofstadter, Oracleman! That's going to be one wicked
} polynominal!" exclaimed Lisa.
} "Indeed," I replied, noting that she was already busy scribbling an
} expansion on her notepad, "but the twenty-fourth term is the killer."
} "Twenty-fourth?" she said, puzzled. "Um, that would be... (x-x)?"
} I stared at her until she slapped her head in annoyance. "Of course!
} It all reduces to zero! But why would the Puzzler send you something
} so obvious?"
} "Because its a clue to something more sinister, chum. That's what we
} have to find out."
}
} Normally the Puzzler gives obvious hints about his capers, but this
} one had even my razor-sharp mind boggled.
} Lisa had all but given up. She sat in the large armchair in the
} Commissioner's office, fiddling dejectedly with the envelope in which
} the message came. She stared at it, then sniffed it cautiously.
} "Smells like chicken," she sighed.
} Her statement triggered something in the back of my mind. "What?" I
} asked cautiously.
} "Oh, this stain on the envelope. It smells like chicken grease."
} I practically leaped across the room to snatch the envelope from her
} startled hands.
} After taking a deep whiff myself, I said, "Not just any kind of fried
} chicken, chum, but *Polly's* Fried Chicken!"
} The Commissioner marveled at my sensitive nose, but he was still
} missing the connection. Fortunately, Lisa didn't.
} "Polly... polynominal!"
} "Right!" I shouted, glad to be on the track of something. "And I
} would gamble anything that there's a Polly's Chicken franchise on
} Nominal Avenue. To the Oraclemobile!"
} The Commissioner was reaching for the phone book as Lisa and I
} bolted from the room. "Don't bother checking, Commissioner," she
} called back over her shoulder, "he's always right!"
}
} Indeed I was. We entered the Polly's Chicken on Nominal from the
} roof. Scaling walls is easy; all you have to do is pretend that
} everyone is looking at you sideways and that you're really walking
} along the ground.
} The store was deserted.
} "Perhaps it was a coincidence?" my partner inquired, almost
} apologetically.
} "With the Puzzler, it's *never* a coincidence," I snarled back.
} As if on cue, all the lights in the store came on, momentarily
} blinding us. When our eyes undazzled, we found ourselves facing two
} large guys in bowling shirts, each bearing the embroidered name
} "Herb."
} Also present was the Puzzler! "Herbs," he shouted, "get them!"
} The Herbs were no match for our polished fighting skills, so it
} looked like an easy win... until the Spice Girls suddenly appeared and
} started singing. We tried to hold out as long as possible, but
} eventually the pain was too much and we had to cover our ears.
} Without the use of our arms, the Herbs (who were wearing earmuffs, I
} noted) quickly beat us into unconsciousness.
}
} I awoke first.
} "Ah, Oracleman! I see you're awake. What do you think of my
} seven secret Herbs and Spices?"
} "I think you're insane," I muttered.
} We had been manicled to chairs. In front of me was a computer
} console. The handcuffs I wore gave me just enough slack to reach the
} keyboard.
} Lisa moaned to signal her return to consciousness.
} "I see you're curious about this setup. The computer in front of
} you will begin to display logic puzzles. You have thirty seconds to
} solve each one. If you answer incorrectly or fail to answer at all,
} the crack in the platform below you will open an inch. When it opens
} wide enough, you and your lovely companion will be dumped directly
} into the deep fat fryer, and you'll quickly become tomorrow's special
} of the day."
} "You twisted goon! Leave Lisa out of this!"
} "Sorry, Oracleman! I need to keep the both of you busy while I go
} out and commit the Crime of the Century! Herbs! Spices! Pack up,
} we're moving out."
} He chuckled evilly as the first logic puzzle appeared on the
} screen. "Enjoy yourself, Oracleman. Don't think too hard; you'll
} give yourself a headache..."
}
} Great Spicy Chicks! Can Orrie and Lisa escape before they become
} just another Urban Legend? Find out next week! Same Oracle time,
} same Oracle channel!
(Question-19 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong"! That's what Q told me our contact was
} expecting as the password. We're just going to have to say "Ba Wheep
} Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong" to every dignitary at this convention until
} we find the one who responds. We've got the heads of most countries
} in the world here, so let's get going. Mr Clinton!
}
} Yes?
}
} The name's Bond, James Bond.
}
} Hello Mr Bond.
}
} Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong.
}
} I beg your pardon.
}
} Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bon.
}
} I'm sorry. I didn't even inhale, let alone learn any of that British
} junkie slang.
}
} I see. Sorry for bothering you Mr Clinton.
}
} That's fine. See you around Mr Bond.
}
} OK Chaps, it's not Mr Clinton. Mr Blair!
}
} Hello. Aren't you one of ours?
}
} Yes Prime Minister. The name's Bond, James Bond. Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep
} Ninny-bon.
}
} Hmmm. I don't know what that is, but slip me a million pounds and I'll
} make sure the EEC allows you to write it on the side of racing cars.
} Deal?
}
} Sorry, Prime Minister. I was talking while I was eating. Look, there's
} a drug-addled rock star.
}
} Excuse me, I must go and have my photograph taken with him. Goodbye
} Mr Bond.
}
} Mr Yeltsin. Mr Yeltsin! The name's Bond, James Bond. Ba Wheep Gra Na
} Wheep Ninny-bon.
}
} (silence).
}
} Mr Yeltsin, Mr Yeltsin! Oh dear, he appears to be dead. He's awfully
} cold to the touch.
}
} Mr Bond! Our leader is not dead, this is a vicious rumour. He is merely
} suffering from a bad cold.
}
} Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bon.
}
} No, he's not suffering from any of your decadent Western diseases, merely
} a bad cold. Please excuse me while I put our great leader back in the
} freezer.
}
} OK chaps, chin up and don't give up. Mr Kim!
}
} Hello.
}
} The name's Bond, James Bond.
}
} Hello Mr Bond. Can you spare a dollar or two?
}
} Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bon.
}
} Yes, very good. You see, I wouldn't ask you but Korea's in a bit of
} a tight spot at the moment and I could only afford a one way ticket.
}
} Sure Mr Kim. Take ten. Look, the North Koreans are over there and
} I'm sure you can sell them enough secrets about your military to
} afford a ticket home.
}
} [much later]
}
} Not anyone in the Western world, not Africa, not South America. This
} is more difficult than I thought. Mr Eye al For Eye. Mr Eye al For
} Eye!
}
} Good evening. You are British, no?
}
} Yes. The name's Bond, James Bond. Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bon.
}
} (pause) You speak Afghani very well Mr Bond. Have you spent time in my
} country? Destabilising the Russians I hope (laughs)
}
} Mr Eye al For Eye, you are our contact, are you not?
}
} Contact? I'm sorry Mr Bond, but I don't know what you are talking about.
}
} But, you understood the password!!
}
} Well yes, but I can't see what 'You can take your job and stuff it' has
} to do with anything. Have you been to Afghanistan often?
}
} You owe The Oracle a magazine with 'Contacts' written on the cover.
(Question-19 Jan 1998)
The question was:
> Ba Wheep Gra Na Wheep Ninny-bong?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} And ba wheep gra na wheep ninny-bong to you, kind supplicant. I notice
} that you append your intergalactic greeting with a question mark. Are
} you asking what it means, perhaps? Surely you know that the phrase
} is from an old computer game, which claimed it was a message of peace.
} This is, of course, entirely untrue. The message is actually
} mathematically proven to be the least provoking phrase in the universe.
}
} As was recently discovered by your human astronomers, there is a lot
} more space out there than meets the eye. Given this almost infinite
} space, one can deduce that there is an almost infinite number of stars,
} with an almost infinite number of planets around them. My bookie says
} that the chance for life is 1 in 9 (Actually the chances are 2 in 9,
} but those NASA bunglers keep sneezing on their rocks.), and since an
} almost infinite number divided by nine is... lessee, carry the 1...
} is an almost infinite number with a remainder of 6, that makes for
} an almost infinite number of languages. From this point the
} calculations start to get complicated, with a lot of language theory
} and esperanto thrown in for good measure. The point being that when
} you're mucking about with a large number of languages, any random
} phrase is likely to be a disgusting insult in some language or another.
} As it turns out, ba wheep gra na wheep ninny-bong is a harmless in all
} languages but one, where it means "may your dear sweet auntie be slowly
} eaten alive by a narg fairy."
}
} In response to your question, then, no. You see, my dear sweet auntie
} IS a narg fairy, and she's very hungry.
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay on how not to insult the Oracle, given that
} he knows an infinite number of languages. In esperanto. Or I'll send
} Aunt Viola after you.
}
} Incarnation's note: The above answer is fiction. fick-shun. As in not
} true. In the real world, the phrase "ba wheep gra na wheep ninny-bong"
} is much more likely to put you in the hospital than, say, "here's my
} wallet." You have been warned. fnord.
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