The Wabe → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page: Questions 50-59
(Question-12 Jan 1997)
The question was:
> I just sent you a note with "Don't Ask Me" as a subject
> and I STILL got a question. Don't you even read your
> mail?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > I'm writing this to see if you even read your mail.
} > Note the subject "Don't Ask Me" above. DON'T give
} > me a question.
(Question-18 Mar 1997)
The question was:
> After almost a year of campaining and complaining, I must admit defeat
> in trying to make your old name stick. So I've decided to write a
> song about it:
>
> The Internet was the Usenet Oracle
> Now it's the Internet, not the Usenet Oracle
> Been a long time gone, the Usenet Oracle
> Now it's Woodchuck Delight on a moonlight night
> Every answer from the Usenet Oracle
> comes from the Internet, not the Usenet Oracle
> So if you've sent some mail to the Usenet Oracle
> It'll be coming from the Internet
> Even the old Internet
> was once the Arpanet
> Why they changed it I can't say
> NSF just liked it better that way
> So ask me, tell me, the Usenet Oracle
> No, you can't go ask the Usenet Oracle
> Been a long time gone, the Usenet Oracle
> Why did the Usenet Oracle get the works?
> That's nobody's business but those jerks
> In--ter--net
>
> What do you think?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Supplicant man, Supplicant man
} Doing the things a supplicant can
} What's he like? It's not important
} Supplicant man
}
} Is he a troll, or is he a hack?
} When he's online does he get net?
} Or does the net get him instead?
} Nobody knows, Supplicant man
}
} Political man, Political man
} Political man hates Supplicant man
} They have a fight, Political wins
} Political man
}
} Oracle man, Oracle man
} Size of the entire universe man
} Usually kind to supplicant man
} Oracle man
}
} He's got a wand with a Usenet hand
} Internet hand and a zot-zot hand
} When they meet it's a scary land
} Powerful man, Oracle man
(Answer-12 May 1997)
The question was:
> Oh strong looking Oracle, he whose nostrils I am unworthy to gaze into
> and whose hair I am unworthy to pick through for fleas, whose thighs
> are stronger than a legion of warriors, and whose taller than a statue
> please answer my question.
> Why exactly do all Oracles require people to grovel?
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Get Your *Web-Based* Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
> ---------------------------------------------------------
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?"
}
} (a play in one act)
}
} SCENE: HOTMAIL, INC., a fully-owned subsidiary of ORACUCO INDUSTRIES.
} JOHN, the foreman, is with JACK, a minor executive. VARIOUS
} WORKERS hustle back-and-forth. Suddenly, a crisis occurs (but
} then again, that's the nature of crises).
}
} JOHN: Dammit, we're losing power!
}
} JACK: What? Again? How do they expect us to keep these
} Sparcservers on line without electricity? How are we to offer
} free e-mail if we have to pay for electricity?!?
}
} WORKER: Central office on the line, sir! They want to know what's
} with the slow-down.
}
} JOHN: Can't those jerks tell? Our Egion generator's down to 30% power...
}
} JACK: What did it? A malicious rumor? A gaffe on the Great One's
} part? Kinzler threatening to change the name again to the
} Microsoft Network Oracle?
}
} JOHN: No, looks like attrition from lack of grovels.
}
} JACK: Dammit, won't those fools ever learn? The Oracle's ego
} supplies power for systems around the world! Our entire setup
} here will fail! People will have to start PAYING for e-mail
} services!
}
} VARIOUS WORKERS: (Shocked gasps)
}
} JOHN: (panicking) You, and you! Go tell him how white--no,
} bright!--his toga is. You, go tell him that you'd be unworthy
} to floss with his nasal hair! Do it, do it, do it!
}
} JACK: (as lights fade) I just hope we're not too late...
}
} FIN
(Answer-12 May 1997)
The question was:
> Oh aptly named oracle, who knows all and shares it too...
>
> Now that Dennis Rodman's going to change his name to Orgasm, will people
> have to stop calling you, "Big O"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, but ever since I changed my name, a bunch of wise-asses have been
} calling me "the supernatural entity formerly known as the Usenet
} Oracle."
}
} You owe the Oracle some respect.
(Answer-18 Jun 1997)
The question was:
> Why the Gehenna am I getting duplicates of the same question over and
> over?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} From the Wall Street Journal, May 27:
}
} ORACUCO INDUSTRIES AND CYBER PROMOTIONS
} ANNOUNCE MERGER
}
} BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA -- Dismayed by the quality of this quarter's
} subcontracted questions, Oracuco Industries has initiated a merger
} with another high-tech company, Cyber Promotions.
}
} Cyber Promotions uses an advanced technology called e-mail to
} advertise on the International Network of computers, or "Inter-net."
} Their technology allows them to reach millions of people for only a
} few dollars.
}
} Oracuco Industries is responsible for 83% of the wisdom on the
} Inter-net, which it provides to its end-users through a patented
} question-and-answer format. Those not directly involved with this
} process can also receive the distilled wisdom through newsletters
} called "Oracularities" and "Best of's."
}
} "We're very excited here," said Oracuco CEO Steve Kinzler. "Our
} software was designed on a one-in, one-out model. With the
} integration of Cyber Promotions' "spamming" technologies, we'll be
} able to disseminate questions to large numbers of people, improving
} the odds of getting an answer that not only makes sense, but is funny
} as well."
}
} Added Cyber Promotions' Sanford "Spam King" Wallace, "This is great
} for both companies! Oracuco will get a much-needed boost in volume,
} and the endorsement of the Oracle will disperse some of the negative
} publicity Cyber Promotions has been getting."
}
} "We've received very few complaints so far," said Lisa, the Oracuco
} Press Representative. "We have been testing the spamification
} software in our system for a week, and have found few interface
} problems. I'd say it's a go."
}
} The Chairman of Oracuco Industries, the Usenet Oracle, was
} unavailable for comment. Rumor has it that he is displeased with the
} merger, and may be planning on using his <ZOT!> gun, a powerful weapon
} designed to atomize his enemies.
}
} Also questionable is the numerous legal problems, both criminal and
} civil, which haunt Wallace. Various Inter-net factions have joined
} forces in a lawsuit against Wallace, claiming his bulk e-mailings are
} in violation of the same law that prohibits unsolicited fax messages.
}
} Upon news of the proposed merger, Oracuco Industries went up 3/4,
} Cyber Promotions down 2.
(Answer-28 Jul 1997)
The question was:
> What are the features of Oracle 8 ?
> Whart are the fearutes of Forms 5 ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Spell checking?
(Answer-30 Jul 1997)
The question was:
> But I didn't order any pizza!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Doesn't matter. I knocked, you asked "Who's there?" and I answered.
}
} As part of my contract with humanity, you owe me any payment I demand
} for answering your question. Just because I am working a second job
} as a Domino's delivery guy so I can pay off Lisa's VISA bill this
} month does *not* mean I am exempt from my duties and privileges as an
} Oracle...
}
} You owe the Oracle $15.75, plus a tip would be appreciated.
} (Also an explanation of how anyone could rack up a $553 tab at any
} place called Spatula World would be a big help. That boggles even my
} omniscience...)
(Answer-19 Oct 1997)
The question was:
> Oh great all-knowing, all-seeing Oracle, who's toes I am unworthy to
> clean by licking,
>
> Why does my campus pop machine give me extra Mountain Dews? I mean, the
> machine even said it was out of Mountain Dew, so I got a Dr Pepper, and
> it still gave me a Dr Pepper and a Mountain Dew. To the best of my
> knowledge, it only does this for me.
>
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "NO TIME FOR LOVE"
}
} (a superspy movie in one act)
}
} SCENE: HOTMAIL, INC., a fully-owned subsidiary of ORACUCO INDUSTRIES.
} Chaos and confusion reigns. Computers are smashed, showering
} the floor and walls with electric sparks. A thin haze of
} smoke fills the air. The firing of machine guns can be heard
} in the distance, along with the agonized screams of wounded
} men.
}
} (Enter THE ORACLE, leading A BABE by the hand.)
}
} ORACLE: I've got to get you out of here, then go back and activate the
} self destruct mechanism for this complex. If I'm right, it's
} the only way "Operation Mountain Dew" will be a guaranteed
} success.
}
} BABE: Oh, Oracle, you're so brave!
}
} VOICE: (offstage) ... and so stupid!
}
} (A figure emerges from the haze. It is WILLIAM GATES,
} villain. He is cradling an oversized white mouse, one of
} those annoying Microsoft mice that only righties can use.
} BABE clutches ORACLE in fear.)
}
} ORACLE: Gates. I should have known. How did you find out about
} "Operation Mountain Dew"?
}
} GATES: Simple, Oracle: I didn't. Hotmail, Inc. (a fully-owned
} subsidiary of Oracuco Industries) was impacting 1% of
} Microsoft Network's profits. Therefore, it had to be
} destroyed. But you're a fool, Oracle. Now you've told me
} about your secret project.
}
} ORACLE: But you'll never figure it out in time, Gates. I can hold out
} for at least an hour, and that's all the time I need to see it
} through.
}
} GATES: Perhaps, perhaps ... (pauses to stroke mouse) ... but can she?
}
} BABE: (screams)
}
} (Suddenly klaxons erupt all over the complex. The gunfire
} diminishes slightly.)
}
} ORACLE: (laughing) It's too late, Gates! That sound you hear is the
} complete success of "Operation Mountain Dew"!
}
} GATES: (showing a tiny bit of fear) What ... what do you mean?
}
} ORACLE: I patched into the software for every single soda machine on
} the planet, and reprogrammed them to dispense a can of
} Mountain Dew with each purchase. The additional can was
} charged to your account. The world drinks a billion dollars
} of soda a day, Gates, and "Operation Mountain Dew" has been
} going on for six weeks now...
}
} GATES: No... no... NOOOOOO! MY MONEY! MY MONEY! ARRRRRGH!
} I'm melting... melting...
}
} (GATES dissolves into a smoldering pile. His HENCHMEN look
} at the pile, shrug, and wander offstage.)
}
} BABE: What happened?
}
} ORACLE: That's all he was, hon': money. When it was gone, so was he.
}
} BABE: Oh, Oracle, I'm glad you've got substance!
}
} ORACLE: You've got that right, babe. Now, I believe tradition says we
} have a steamy sex scene now...
}
} (BABE laughs. ORACLE chuckles. Fade to black.)
(Answer-24 Oct 1997)
The question was:
> Who's draining your queue?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sheesh. Can't a celebrity go to the doctor without everyone making rude
} suppositions?
(Answer-26 Oct 1997)
The question was:
> FQUIGGLY
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ah, yes, the FQUIGLY keyboard. (Don't be embarrassed about
} misspelling it. The Oracle knows of many people that write about the
} QUERTY keyboard.)
}
} The FQUIGLY keyboard was invented by a twisted orthopedic surgeon, who
} feared "natural" keyboards with Dvorak layouts would reduce the number
} of cases of Repetitive Motion Trauma and therefore his income. The
} FQUIGLY keyboard was guaranteed to give anyone carpal tunnel within a
} matter of minutes.
}
} The only adopter of FQUIGLY keyboards was Microsoft (always the first
} with the worst technology). Fortunately, FQUIGLY was bundled with
} Microsoft Bob(tm), and both quickly met with a well-deserved death.
}
} You owe the Oracle a FQUIGLY keyboard for his Hall o' Computing
} Nightmares, to be placed in the slot between the NeXT cube and the
} PCjr.
Last Modified: 2003/12/08 23:59:10 GMT
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