The Wabe → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page: Questions 40-49
(Answer-01 Jul 1996)
The question was:
> Oh very powerful and slightly weird Oracle, something strange happened
> to me recently.
>
> I apparently annoyed one of your Incarnations, and she sent me the
> following impressive display of pyrotechnics:
>
> }
> } ZZZZZZZZZZ OOOO TTTTTTTTTT
> } Z O O T
> } Z O O T
> } Z O O T
> } Z O O T
> } ZZZZZZZZZZ OOOO T
> }
>
> Although there are some superficial structural similarities, this
> does not actually appear to be an authentic ZOT. What manner of
> special effect does it designate? How does it compare with a ZOT
> in potency? And how would you pronounce it?
>
> Please do not send me an authentic ZOT for comparison. I've
> received several already, and have no wish to repeat the experience.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That is a Microsoft ZOF(tm). As you noticed, it has remarkable similarity
} to an Oracular <ZOT!>(tm), but when you get right down to it, it's nothing
} but a cheap, ineffective copy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a successful lawsuit against Microsoft.
(Answer-10 Jul 1996)
The question was:
> O, wise oracle, may you have a tight-assed summer:
>
> is michael jackson related to michael j. fox?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Michael Jackson and Michael J. Fox are indeed related--in fact, they
} are the same person. The story behind this apparent paradox is
} interesting.
}
} Despondent over the breakup with Lisa Marie and the rumors of
} pederasty, Michael Jackson went into seclusion. There his rare skin
} disease finished its course and he became completely white. Seeing
} the possibility of escaping his torments, he underwent massive
} facial surgery.
}
} After he recovered, he completely discarded his life, keeping only
} his name. But the show biz bug still had him, so he enrolled in an
} acting course. There he met Jane Fox, fell in love, and married
} her. Being a liberated man, he changed his name to Michael
} Jackson-Fox.
}
} One day, on the set of the movie "Star Trek: Voyager III," an
} accident involving a banana and a special effect that used a nuclear
} accelerator threw him back in time.
}
} Trapped in time, his only chance of survival was to fall back on the
} only skill he had: entertaining. So he tried out for the part of a
} precocious son on a new family sit-com and the rest is, as they say,
} history.
}
} You owe the Oracle a banana and a nuclear accelerator.
(Question-15 Jul 1996)
The question was:
> I was watching an old episode of "Doctor Who" where the Doctor first met
> up with the Daleks. There was one scene where he was examining a Geiger
> counter and remarking that the radiation levels were dangerously high.
> As to prove his point, a closeup of the machine showed that the pointer
> was indeed in the area clearly marked "DANGER." That's "DANGER," in
> ENGLISH.
>
> Why would Daleks label their instrumentation in English? I'm afraid
> I won't be able to sleep until I know.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That's very easy to understand supplicant. There are many words that are
} the same in all languages. Here are a few examples:
}
} Hallelujah: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages.
} Oh, Shit!: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages.
} MotherFucker: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages.
} Damn it to Hell!: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages.
} Danger: Pronounced and spelled the same way in all languages.
}
} As you can see, it's easy to understand this. Now go get some sleep!
}
} You owe the Oracle a glass of Mylanta and 3 chocolate chip cookies. What?
} You don't dunk your cookies in Mylanta?
(Answer-28 Jul 1996)
The question was:
> Oh wise and chocolatefull Oracle, whose CD never skips, whose
> Windows[TM] never GPFs, yea, who never runs low on virtual memory
> even when running twenty apps (or a FemtoSloth one), saviour of
> w**dch*cks and old Strowger racks, derober of Offler's monks and
> gracious disposer of free AOL disks, he{ar,re} my plea...
>
> In the last week or so, there's been a marked increase in the number
> of complaints from people that their mugs have disappeared from the
> kitchen; So far none of mine have succumbed to the secretive
> mugnapper, but it can't last forever. Where are they going and how
> can we ensure the safety of our mugs?
>
> j:N2UdGsvC/.i2A:::::
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "I've got it!" I cried.
}
} "What?" shouted my faithful companion, Lisa, from the kitchen.
}
} "The message from my operative."
}
} "How can you tell?" she asked, glancing at the screen from over my
} shoulder.
}
} "This comment about GPF and Windows. Everybody *knows* I run UNIX."
}
} I dragged the mail message to the printer icon and watched the LaserWriter
} spring to life. Before the printer fully ejected the page I had it in
} my hand and was running to the study.
}
} "Quick! To the OracleCave(tm)!"
}
} My charming companion was already there, having opened the bust of
} Brian Kernighan and twisting the dial that moved the bookshelf away
} from the OraclePoles(tm).
}
} A brief scene-bumper later, we were deep in the bowels of the earth.
}
} "I've been buying up all the old Thinking Machines MPP systems for
} just this day," I explained. "It'll crack that password faster than
} you could say knife."
}
} I plopped down in front of the Sparc which I used as a front-end
} processor. "Quick, read me the entry."
}
} "j:N2UdGsvC/.i2A:::::" she lilted. "Oh, Orrie, do you think...?"
}
} "We'll know in a second..."
}
} *PING* the workstation said.
}
} "Well, whatdayaknow. Should have been able to guess THAT," I mumbled.
}
} "What now?"
}
} "We 'telnet' in."
}
} > telnet bg.microsoft.com
} >
} > OSF/1 login: _
}
} "Interesting."
}
} "Indeed," said my companion. "But don't think too long. You KNOW they'll
} trace us ASAP."
}
} My pragmatic package of pulchritude had a point.
}
} > OSF/1 login: jj
} > Password: StoleMac495
}
} Something was wrong with the terminal. "Oh, half-duplex," I muttered,
} changing the setting.
}
} > Welcome, user j!
} >
} > % _
}
} "I'm getting all tingly..."
}
} "Save it for later."
}
} > % online_banking
} >
} > 1) Inquire
} > 2) Transfer
} > 3) Block payment/check
} >
} > 2
} >
} > FROM which account? [234-38732-12/credit]:
} >
} > 234-38732-12/savings has $16,322,781,683.84 available.
} > TO which account? [234-38732-12/checking]: 42362-62351@4452/checking
} >
} > ATTENTION: You are transferring to the account of
} > ORACLE, T USENET
} >
} > Do you really want to do this? [no]: y
} > Please type 'yes' or 'no'
} > Do you really want to do this? [no]: yes
} >
} > Which amount? _
}
} "How much?"
}
} "Go for it."
}
} > Which amount? 16000000000
} >
} > $16,000,000,000.00 transferred
} > FROM 234-38732-12/credit
} > TO 42362-62351@4452/checking
} > Confirm? [no]: yes
} > Second confirmation? [no]: yes
} > Last chance. Abort transaction? [yes]: no
} > Working..........................transaction completed.
}
} "Let's go," I smiled after logging out.
}
} "Where?"
}
} "I was thinking Rio..."
}
} You owe the Oracle all future correspondence to be addressed to
} 'oracle@fugitive.rio.br' (Thanks for the password! I'll send your
} part to you in Switzerland!).
(Question-22 Aug 1996)
The question was:
> Have any of your revelations resulted in great tragedy, such as people
> marrying their own children, killing their fathers, &c?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, yes, in a way, but never tragically. For example, a guy was asking
} me what to do now that he has found the only one that he truly loves more
} than anyone else. I said that he should plan a big marriage, make sure
} she gets a beautiful dress and to tell all of his friends so she knows how
} much he cares about her.
}
} He followed my advice exactly, and now the whole world knows how much
} Dennis Rodman loves himself. I wouldn't call this a tragedy.
}
} You owe the Oracle the definition of "the Rodmanipus complex".
(Answer-26 Oct 1996)
The question was:
> Gnomonic Oracle,
>
> It's this time of the year again.
>
> Who invented "Daylight Saving Time", and who was (s)he kidding?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Daylight Saving Time was actually a (rare) far-sighted creation of the
} hard-working people at the Department of Energy. Armed with the
} knowledge that US energy reserves were running out at a time when
} demand was rising at an incredible rate, the Department of Energy set
} forth a policy to insure America's energy needs would be taken care of
} in the twenty-first century.
}
} Solar power was the wave of the future. Cheap, plentiful, with no
} unpleasant waste products, it was the answer to the impending energy
} crisis. But it was inefficient--at this time. So the Department of
} Energy created the concept of Daylight Saving Time, selecting a period
} of the year (winter) when daylight wasn't really required. This
} allowed a large stockpile of daylight to be accumulated, so that when
} solar power became a reality, the US would have a large reserve to
} use. Isn't a minor inconvenience of having to set your clocks back
} and forth twice a year offset by a future of yearly power bills in the
} pennies instead of the hundreds? You bet, and you have the Department
} of Energy to thank for it.
(Answer-13 Nov 1996)
The question was:
> Oh great oracle in your almightly wisdom, your all
> knowing-ness, I very humbly lower my worthlessness to the cold
> hard ground to show you my homage. You are all knowing and wish
> that you would answer my lowly little question.
>
> Why do the malls put Chrismas decorations up before Thanksgiving?
>
> Oh greatness, I wish you to answer my humble question. I thank
> you though the generations of my family. I burn special insents
> to help speed your answer to me.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Malls put up Holiday decorations early in a two-punch attack on the
} Christian values of this nation. Shopping malls have long been known
} to be strongholds of Secular Humanism, and their attack on the most
} Holy of Holidays only strengthens this notion.
}
} By ignoring Thanksgiving (which celebrates the religious roots of this
} nation) and commercializing Christmas, they move us ever so closer to
} their ultimate goal of a Godless state. That is why shopping malls
} put up Holiday decorations so early. Encouraging early shopping to
} avoid the rush has nothing to do with it.
}
} (This Oracularity was brought to you by the Pat Robertson School of
} Antediluvian Thinking.)
(Answer-17 Nov 1996)
The question was:
> Where have all the funny answers gone?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Where have all the funny answers gone?
} Long time passing.
} Where have all the funny answers gone?
} Long time ago.
} Where have all the funny answers gone?
} Gone to oracularities, everyone.
} When will they ever learn?
} When will they ever learn?
(Answer-17 Nov 1996)
The question was:
> Where have all the funny answers gong?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Where have all the funny answers gong?
} Long time passing.
} Where have all the funny answers gong?
} Long time ago.
} Where have all the funny answers gong?
} Gone to Chuck Barris, everyone.
} When will they ever learn?
} When will they ever learn?
(Answer-17 Nov 1996)
The question was:
> Oh Oracle, whose knowledge is vaster than the oceans,
>
> Recently I bought a book titled "The Big Rainy-Day Fun
> Book of Tibetan Proverbs." Some of these wise sayings were
> beyond my comprehension. Please, enlighten your lowly supplicant
> with explanations of these proverbs:
>
> "Delicious flavour for others, fine clothes for oneself."
>
> "Masticate a turnip rather than remain silent."
>
> "If you cannot restrain your thumb-sized heart, it will rise
> up against you as a she-demon."
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} > "Delicious flavour for others, fine clothes for oneself."
}
} TRANSLATION: "If you're stylin', the whole world's stylin' with
} you."
}
} > "Masticate a turnip rather than remain silent."
}
} TRANSLATION: "It's OK to chew with your mouth open if you can't
} help it."
}
} > "If you cannot restrain your thumb-sized heart, it will rise up
} > against you as a she-demon."
}
} Um, best if you do the translation here. HINT: "Thumb-sized heart"
} refers to a throbbing organ farther down.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those cool orange monk robes. I wanna be
} stylin'.
Last Modified: 2003/12/08 23:59:10 GMT
(Send problems to Rob Menke)
Page style: Classic | Cyan | Dark