The Wabe → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page: Questions 30-39
(Answer-15 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> How can I found address of mailing lists prefectly by E-MAIL, or other
> sites?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sorry, Senator. The emperor has forbidden the distribution of mailing
} lists within the Roman empire, whether by this "E-MAIL" (whatever that is)
} or by any other means.
}
} Ave Caesar!
}
} (All joking aside, one cool mailing list is oracle@cs.indiana.edu. Send a
} message with the subject of "Help" and you'll soon understand.)
(Answer-17 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> O mighty oracle of wisdom!!
>
> I have a quick question...
>
> I attached a piece of toast (buttered side up) to the back of a cat.
> I then dropped the cat off of a table. The cat is now rotating at
> about 50 rpm 6 inches off the floor. I think I've discovered
> perpetual motion, but I'm not sure how to keep the cat alive...what
> should i do??
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No, you have not discovered "true" perpetual motion. What you have
} discovered is a principle akin to superconductive levitation. I
} originally dubbed this "anti-gravity" in an Oracularity some time
} back, but I did so only to simplify for the layman, and have been
} getting flack from physicists ever since.
}
} Anyway, back to your problem. Air resistance will eventually slow
} the cat down, and it will stabilize (but a gentle push will start it
} rotating again). Thermodynamics will have its way, you know. The
} system is in a metastable state anyway, since the cat will
} eventually get hungry, eat the toast, and crash to the ground (feet
} first).
}
} FUN FACT #367: Did you know, as long as a piece of buttered toast
} is adhered to the cat, it is impossible to discover if the cat is
} alive or dead? This queer phenomenon is known as Schroedinger's
} "Cat/Toast" problem.
}
} You owe the Oracle a piece of toast.
(Answer-22 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> That is it woman?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because of the lack of punctuation in your question, I must interpret it
} in various ways:
}
} > That, is it woman?
}
} Obviously you have a problem discerning what is a woman. Here is a simple
} algorithm:
}
} 1) Pick any two individuals at random.
} 2) Count the number of negatively-curved surfaces
} on each individual.
} 3) If the number of negatively-curved surfaces are
} equal, return to step (1).
} 4) The individual with the greater number of
} negatively-curved surfaces is the woman.
}
} > That is, it woman?
}
} Obviously a line yanked from the popular comic book, "It Woman (and her
} sidekick Troglodyte Boy)." Since the Oracle is trying to avoid
} non-sequitur questions like these, as well as Monty Python, Star Trek,
} Douglas Adams, and other references to pop culture, he'll pass.
}
} > That is it, woman?
}
} Yes, without flowers, dinner, or a ring on this finger, that is as far
} as you'll get. If you want a cheap floozy, you'll have to go out and
} pay for one.
}
} Sheesh, some men.
}
} You owe the Oracle a natural language parser.
(Answer-28 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> where did you come from baby? and ooh won't you take me there?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Man, the answer lies in the song! Why are you asking me? Oh, and you
} got the lyrics wrong, too. The correct lyrics are:
}
} Where do you come from?
} Where do you go?
} Whose baby are you?
} I really wanna know.
} Ooooh, Batgirl!
} Batgirl!
}
} You owe the Oracle Yvonne Craig's autograph.
(Answer-28 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> Oh great and wise Oracle, please help me, I am in desperate need of
> advice. You see, last night I recieved via UPS my brand-new
> build-it-yourself television/entertainment-center stand and counter.
> It is a neat thing that has a place for your tv and VCR and whatnot
> and is pretty nice mahogany wood. However, as I opened up the box
> and got out my tools, the task of assembling it grew more and more
> daunting. I tried to put it together, but things kept going wrong.
> I attached the stupid panel backing a little too high forcing me to
> saw the second half a little smaller so that it would fit properly.
> Then I did an uneven job so that the left leg wouldn't meet properly
> with the bottom shelf and I had to nail that in instead of the
> 'simple screw method' that was supposed to work. I was completely
> missing the right-back-flange-gate -door-hinge, so I took one off my
> wife's dresser. Anyway, the thing is a complete mess now, and my
> wife is in the kitchen with the neighbor lady making fun of me for
> being a typical inept man who is too proud to ask for help. Well,
> now I'm asking for help (but don't tell my wife, please.) HELP!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} *POOF*
}
} The Oracle suddenly appears inside the supplicant's living room, wearing
} only a pair of jeans and a massive tool belt. The sunlight gleams off
} his tanned back as the muscles in his chest ripple with unleased power.
} He adjusts the massive bulge in his jeans as he surveys the situation.
}
} The neighbor lady faints dead away.
}
} The Oracle strides over to the entertainment center. After raising a
} disbelieving eye to the supplicant cowering in the corner, he
} dismantles it and reassembles it in under five minutes. The completed
} unit looks better than the one on the cover of the carton; in fact,
} it looks better than the one in "Home Beautiful."
}
} The Oracle strides over to the supplicant's wife. After kissing her
} hand, he says, "Call me... anytime," and disappears. The supplicant's
} wife wipes the drool off her chin and goes to her husband, who is still
} in the corner whimpering for his mommy...
}
} (MARRIED WOMEN, TAKE NOTE -- Have you ever wondered why your husband
} refuses to allow others to do repairs that he is obviously incapable
} of doing? The above scenario is what all married men believe WILL
} happen if they call for help. Please understand this, have patience,
} and call the repair stud when your husband is at work.)
(Answer-01 May 1996)
The question was:
> what would happen if I did not sleep for 256 hours?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You'd require an extra byte to count your sheep.
}
} You owe the Oracle 65,536 sheep.
(Answer-28 May 1996)
The question was:
> The spamity spam, oh spam, oh spam.
> The spamity spam hath spammed the spam.
> And the spam cries "oh spam",
> And the spam is spammed.
>
> The spam hath been the victim of spam,
> and the spamity spam hath no more spam.
> If there is no spam, then what spam?
> The spam of spam this cannot spam.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe
} Attorneys at Law
} 1 Litigation Lane
} Los Angeles, CA 90613
} http://www.u-sue-em.com
}
} The Usenet Supplicant
} 42 Infinite Loop
} Marmot, CA 94031
}
} Dear Sir:
}
} I represent a Mr. Monty Python. While I have not had the pleasure of
} actually meeting Mr. Python, I have been retained by his talent agency
} to handle his legal matters.
}
} In regard to your recent query (included above), I must inform you
} that you have infringed upon my client's intellectual property rights,
} namely "The Spam Sketch." My client has a prior copyright on a song
} based upon the Armour meat product known by the trademark "Spam," and
} I believe that there is not sufficient difference between your "Spam"
} song and his for you to claim independent development.
}
} Therefore, I request you cease development of Spam-related songs until
} you can prove that your songs were developed without reference to my
} client's prior work.
}
} Sincerely,
} I. Cheetum
}
} .cc Python, M.
} .cc Oracle, U.
}
} IDC/rgm
(Answer-07 Jun 1996)
The question was:
> Some people have the rude and annoying habit of clipping their
> fingernails in public, especially in classrooms or churches?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You cannot change a statement into a question by replacing a period with
} a question mark.
}
} There are many options available to you if you want to pass a statement
} off as a question. Two of the most popular are:
}
} The Legal Method -- This involves adding "are you not?" or "were you not?"
} to the end of statements. In a courtroom, this serves two purposes:
} 1) it shows the jury just how smart the lawyer is, and 2) it defines the
} statement as true, even if the witness denies it. Thus, if the lawyer
} hates the witness, he can say, "You are the murderer, are you not?"
} and that witness is doomed.
}
} The Canadian Method -- This is characterized by the superfluous use of the
} interjection "eh?" at the end of statements. The problem (or benefit) of
} using this method is that the recipient of such a statement feels obligated
} to reply but cannot because no question was really asked. "Welcome to
} Canada, eh?" This is how Canadians amuse themselves with American tourists.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Canadian-to-English dictionary.
(Answer-24 Jun 1996)
The question was:
> Oh Oracle with a very long memory,
>
> I was watching a re-run of The Lawrence Welk Show
> and was struck with a horrid fascination. People
> actually watched that? and the outfits are just
> too campy. Were they serious, or was it a put-on?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} "Lawrence Welk" is truly a black mark in the annals of American
} History, a dubious honor shared by such tragedies as the Jonestown
} Mass-suicide and the recent Branch Davidian Massacre.
}
} Empowered by hallucinogenic gases released upon unsuspecting people
} through innocent-looking bubbles, Lawrence Welk established a cult of
} mindless followers. America trembled in fear as millions of drones
} scurried through the streets, playing elevator music, wearing tacky
} clothing, and voting Republican; all triggered by the seemingly
} innocuous act of the placing of a finger in the mouth and making a
} "popping" sound. This country owes its existence today to the timely
} arrival of Disco and Heavy Metal, although recovering Welkians
} (especially in Congress) decry such music.
}
} Weakened but not forgotten, the cult survives today thanks to their
} clandestine control of local and public television stations.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hallucinogenic bubble machine.
(Question-27 Jun 1996)
The question was:
> Dear Oracle:
>
> In the discussing of human foibles, it is often said that a person has
> "an ego the size of Cleveland, Ohio."
>
> Why is Cleveland, Ohio used as a unit of measuring the size of an ego?
> And what exactly is meant by "size"; population, area, et cetera?
> Does this refer to the total of all the egos of the populace, or does
> it refer to some collective ego that is intrinsic to the city itself?
>
> Anxiously waiting your response,
> An Armchair Psychologist
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Your mistaken assumption that Cleveland, Ohio actually denoted the
} city of Cleveland in the state of Ohio is expected, even in a person
} of your obvious intelligence. The reference is actually to a man by
} the name of Ohio Cleveland. People referred to him last name first
} because he thought that it would make him sound more debonair (a
} concieted guy, let me tell you).
}
} In 1947, Mr. Cleveland's ego became so large that an official
} investigation ensued by the International Institute of Behavioral
} Studies into the average size of the human ego. An official unit of
} measurement was agreed upon, the "Egon", & the average human ego was
} painstakingly determined to be 10 deciEgons. After finally
} measuring Mr. Cleveland's ego, it was determined to be approximately
} 20 Egons. This measurement being well over 100 times the average
} human ego, it was quickly determined that Ohio Cleveland officially
} had the world's largest ego. The media showered Mr. Cleveland with
} attention due to his incredible Egonic state, thus increasing his
} ego to 22.5 Egons. Being that no one before or since has achieved
} the stellar mark of 22.5 Egons, Mr. Cleveland to this day is cited
} as a shining example of the supreme human ego.
}
} If you have any questions concerning this brief history lesson,
} please inquire with the Oracle's happy servant at
} Tellez@comm.vafb.af.mil Have a nice day!!!
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