The Wabe → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page: Questions 20-29
(Answer-05 Feb 1995)
The question was:
> q
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} A QUEUE is a common data structure that allows serial access to data,
} where the order of retrieval is the same as the order of storage.
} Also known as a FIFO (First-In, First-Out). Compare with a STACK,
} where the order of data retrieval is the opposite of the order of
} storage.
}
} You owe the Oracle a book on common data structures and a partridge in
} an AVL tree.
(Question-09 Feb 1995)
The question was:
> Where in the hell is Carmen Sandiego?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} [clap of thunder and cloud of smoke]
}
} [the Oracle appears in the form of a detective,
} much like Sherlock Holmes]
}
} Elementary, my dear supplicant. Carmen is in fact at the very moment,
} sitting right next to me. Say hello, Carmen.
}
} [Carmen says hello to you]
}
} You see, Carmen was sick of being chased around the world, through
} time, and across space by thousands - nay millions - of people.
} So I asked Carmen to come and stay with me, because nobody knows
} exactly where I am either. Carmen is now having a well-earned rest
} and playing with my lemurs and woodchucks.
}
} As you can plainly deduce for yourself, no-one will ever find Carmen
} Sandiego now <chuckle>. Carmen is certainly not in "the hell".
}
} You owe the Oracle a new magnifying glass.
(Answer-09 Feb 1995)
The question was:
> Where can I get a copy of _Tweed the Adventure_?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh man! I didn't think anyone read _Tweed, the Adventure!_ anymore!
} Wow, the Oracle is overwhelmed.
}
} _Tweed, the Adventure!_ can be found in any good comic book store. In
} fact, a nostalga series--_Classic Tweed_--is reprinting the original
} series from Issue #1, where our hero, a young tailor's apprentice
} whose last memory of America is walking through the garment district,
} never seeing the chintz falling from the fifth story window that hits
} him like a bolt out of the blue. Our hero, through a series of events
} each more outrageous than the previous, finds himself battling an
} international terrorist plot to let loose genetically-altered moths
} onto the Paris fashion show...
}
} You owe the Oracle Issue #1, first printing, mint condition.
(Question-14 Feb 1995)
The question was:
> Why is earwax so tasty? Do you know any good recipies?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You're a lucky person; very few people have had the pleasure of
} savoring a fine bit of well-aged earwax. I often follow up with a
} nice cabernet or merlot.
}
} The reasons for tasty earwax are not fully known. The flavor and
} consistency varies, primarily as a function of the diet of the
} earwax host. Those who eat meat are likely to have a darker colored
} earwax, while those who are primarily herbivores tend toward a
} lighter colored, finer textured earwax. Otolaryxic Acid tends to be
} the primary influence on the flavor. High concentrations of
} Otolaryxic Acid lends a slightly nutty flavor, while low levels
} tends toward a more bitter, less sweet flavor.
}
} Most people prefer their own earwax, while the earwax of one with
} whom you share, should we say, an affectionate relationship, is
} usually tasty also. My own preference is Lisa's earwax, which I
} find to be an extremely fine textured, slightly fruity flavored
} earwax.
}
} Recipes? Why, that would be like asking for recipes to use that
} bottle of old cabernet in while cooking. No, no recipes for earwax!
} Enjoy your earwax as you would a good brie; slightly heated, and
} spread thinly on small, crispy pieces of sourdough. Curl up with
} your sweety in front of a blazing fire, dig out some fine earwax,
} and enjoy yourselves. No mortal experience would be finer.
}
} You owe the Oracle two cases of 1987 Chateau du Oto Cabernet
} Sauvignon, and some recipes for toe crevice fungus.
(Answer-25 Feb 1995)
The question was:
> Oh oracle, I crave your indulgence and omniscient oracy in answering the
> following profound pontification (probably):
>
> Why is it that when I'm out with my significant other at the local
> pub/nightclub/burger bar, it is full of beautific single members
> of the opposite sex exchanging yearning come-hither looks in my direction.
>
> Yet, when I'm out on my own - and in a position to respond accordingly -
> these aforementioned places seem bereft of such opportunity and chock full
> of happily married couples.
>
> Is this a fundamental Universal constant, or am I just a poor sad dude
> with zero sex appeal?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The situation you describe is a classic case of
} what-does-she-see-in-HIM? syndrome, affecting 95% of the
} normal-looking people out there. When you are alone, people don't
} see anything special about you. When you are with a nice-looking
} someone, people hypothesize about the attractiveness factor. Good
} in bed? Rich? Great sense of humor? Curiousity, being the driving
} force it is, forces these people to find out even if it means
} initiating a romantic encounter.
}
} Either that, or you're hanging out in same-sex bars, and they're
} hitting on your SO.
}
} You owe the Oracle a weekend getaway.
}
} P.S. If you DO wish to improve your chances of meeting a future
} lover in a pub, drag along a platonic MOTAS and flirt with them.
} The syndrome will work in your favor.
}
} If you are really brave (read: desperate), you can go for the
} can-I-make-him-straight-again? trick. This involves dressing like a
} homosexual, and flirting with members of your own gender. The
} opposite sex, it's ego challenged, will try and "turn you back."
} The Oracle has a friend who does that and gets EXCELLENT
} results--except, of course, now everyone thinks he's screwing ME.
} He's not even my type, dammit.
(Answer-13 Mar 1995)
The question was:
> Oh great number master (mistress?) who can add non-standard
> numbers, multiply Borel sets, integrate infinitely dimensioned functions in
> Banach spaces and can even solve tenth degree polynomials, please tell
> this humble supplicant from the left tail of the math bell curve why pi
> isn't rational?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The question has to deal with the origins of the Oracle himself, and
} I am pleased that you asked it.
}
} Back in the days when the universe was just a "concept," the design
} team batted around the idea of InterPlanar Communication (IPC), or
} the ability of mortals (you) to communicate with immortals (us).
} One bright young tech came up with the idea that when the mortals
} achieved a significant height in technology, a machine would be
} modified to provide a conduit to the gods. This amused the senior
} designer so much he said, "Let it be So," and it was.
}
} Unfortunately, projections showed that the mortals would fail to
} reach the technology level before they destroyed themselves with
} petty bickering. At great expense, a patch was applied: a
} fundamental value in mathematics was changed from a rational (3) to
} an irrational (3.14159...), and the dominant gender in technology
} was changed from female to male. How did this help? Well, by
} making pi irrational, an "El Dorado" of computing power was made,
} where scores of people with too much time and not enough social life
} fought to generate pi to greater and greater accuracy. This added
} just enough incentive to increase the power of computers so that
} technology advanced before the deadline was reached. It also made
} certain weapons of mass destruction much more complicated to build.
} (In a universe where pi would be rational, nuclear weapons would
} have been perfected BEFORE World War II).
}
} But why remove women from the throne of technology? Not doing so
} would have nullified any technological incentive of making pi
} irrational; for any woman will tell you that it doesn't matter how
} long it is, it's what you do with it that counts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a boysenberry pie.
(Question-16 Nov 1995)
The question was:
> Oracle, most worldly-wise,
> Rapture enters in our lives;
> Always right, never wrong,
> Concise, hardly ever long;
> Living never second-best
> Explain to me my humble quest:
>
> Whatever happened to my pet sponge-cat, Swanzo?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sorry, guy, you've got to know
} That sponge cats come and sponge cats go.
} I know you're feeling so bereft,
} You can't believe your Swanzo left.
} Your tear-encrusted face is long,
} How could your spongy pal be gone?
} Dark depression clouds your soul,
} You miss your friend who's full of holes.
} Don't let your burdened spirits sink,
} His absence isn't what you think.
} 'Cause they don't die, they don't depart;
} They just dry up and fall apart.
}
} You owe the Oracle some new Sea Monkeys.
(Question-29 Nov 1995)
The question was:
> How come SeaQuest is still on the air?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's not on the air, its under water.
}
} You owe the oracle a rimshot.
(Answer-07 Mar 1996)
The question was:
> hello busybody know-all sob,
> i'm darned that i have to turn to you for an answer, but my childhood
> sweatheart has ditched me for a f**k-all guy who actually wears mauve
> jackets. what should i do?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Girls get miffed
} At guys who can't shift.
}
} You owe the Oracle your left meta key.
(Question-10 Apr 1996)
The question was:
> Is it true that any question that berates Windows95 (excuse me, Windoze95)
> automatically will get a score greater than 3.0 in the Oracularities?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} There's a certain amount of truth to that rule. But you have to
} remember that rules have a pecking order, much as chickens or
} people, and there are several other rules with higher precedence
} than that one. In fact, the rule that you cite is number 349 on
} the list. I don't want to list all 348 rules that are above it,
} but here are a few of the highlights:
}
} 321. Questions about Amigas will be hooted down in derision.
}
} 294. "Tellmes" which are in the form of a statement, instead of
} a question, have 0.5 points automatically deducted from
} their score by the voting software.
}
} 238. Questions about nuclear fission are guaranteed a score of
} at least 3.2, as long as it is performed in the general
} vicinity of woodchucks.
}
} 177. Questions of a nature to induce psychosis in the Oracle
} are limited to a maximum score of 4.1.
}
} 150. Questions which attempt to sneakily force their way into
} the Oracularities by the use of logical paradoxes will
} receive nothing but 2s in the voting.
}
} 129. Off-season questions, for instance questions about the
} Easter Bunny around Christmastime, are limited to the
} range 2.3 to 3.4, inclusive.
}
} 84. Questions written in Morse code, uuencoded, or any other
} cryptographic means which go over the Priests' heads will
} not be published.
}
} 69. Questions concerning the Oracle's and Lisa's private life
} will never have a score less than 3.1.
}
} 44. The Oracle may change the rules without notice.
}
} 32. Questions containing the words "cat" and "toast" may not
} receive a score higher than 2.8.
}
} 17. Questions referring to Joel Furr, Kibo, or other net.personalities
} (other than the Oracle and Lisa) will always score at least 2.9.
}
} 1. Lisa writes the rules.
}
}
} (I direct your attention to rule number 150, in particular.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to get rule number 1 rewritten.
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