The Wabe → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page: Questions 10-19
(Answer-05 Nov 1994)
The question was:
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Supplicant: Morning.
}
} Oracle: Morning.
}
} Supplicant: Well, what can I ask?
}
} Oracle: Well, there's woodchucks and Lisa; woodchucks, UNIX
} and Lisa; woodchucks and null; woodchucks, Lisa and
} null; woodchucks, Lisa, UNIX and null; null, Lisa,
} UNIX and null; null, woodchucks, null, null, Lisa and
} null; null, UNIX, null, null, null, Lisa, null,
} Kinzler and null; null, null, null, woodchucks and
} null; (Vikings start singing in background) null,
} null, null, null, null, null, zotting, null, null,
} null and null.
}
} Vikings: Null, null, null, null, lovely null, lovely null.
}
} Oracle(cont): ...or a complex discussion of various ideological
} beliefs in the nineteenth century and how they
} influenced the development of modern mayonnaise in
} North America, with meta-humor, grovel-bashing, a
} lemur reference on top, and null.
}
} Supplicant 2: Have you got anything without null?
}
} Oracle: Well, there's null, woodchucks, UNIX and null. That's
} not got much null in it.
}
} Supplicant 2: I don't want any null!
}
} Supplicant: Why can't she have woodchucks, Lisa, null and UNIX?
}
} Supplicant 2: That's got null in it.
}
} Supplicant: It hasn't got as much null in it as null, woodchucks,
} UNIX and null, has it?
}
} Supplicant 2: (over vikings starting again) Could you do me
} woodchucks, Lisa, null and UNIX without the null then?
}
} Oracle: Ech!
}
} Supplicant 2: What do you mean "Ech!"? I don't like null!
}
} Vikings: Lovely null, wonderful null....
}
} Oracle: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Bloody vikings. You can't
} have woodchucks, Lisa, null and UNIX without the null.
}
} Supplicant 2: I don't like null!
}
} Supplicant: Hush, dear. Don't cause a fuss. I'll have your
} null. I love it. I'm having null, null, null, null,
} null, null, null, zotting, null, null, null and null.
}
} Vikings: Lovely null, wonderful null...
}
} Oracle: Shut up! Zotting is declasse.
}
} Supplicant: Well, can I have her null instead of the zotting?
}
} Oracle: You mean null, null, null, null, null, null, null,
} null, null, null, null, and null?
}
} Vikings: Lovely null, wonderful null...
}
} You owe the Oracle some spam and a good lawyer.
(Question-15 Nov 1994)
The question was:
> Will there ever be a worse Sci-Fi show than "SeaQuest DSV"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} flip...
} flip...
} flip...
}
} ah..
}
} I was just going through some old TV Guides and came across some really
} bad SF shows that make DSV look like a million bucks.
}
} 1. Voyage to the Bottom of The SeaFood Basket- about a really fat
} family ordering at Red Lobster in 2205 AD.
} 2. The Time Tunnel-Bunnies- a cyborg postitute who also poses as a
} toll booth.
} 3. Land on the Giant Underpants- our fat family returns, and it's
} laundry day. Yoiks!
} 4. The Outer Speed Limits- about cops, speeders and particle beam
} cannons.
} 5. Gigantor-roni - about a giant-super robot made out of pasta.
} 6. Lost in Parking Spaces- about little blue haired ladies who can't
} back their sky cars out of the handicap spot on Pluto.
} 7. Babble-on and on and on and on and on till 5- about a group of
} yentas from Long Island who talk on their space phones all day
} until 5 pm Moon Standard Time.
} 8. Twime Twax- Elmer Fudd stars as a futuristic hunter who chases
} Cyber-Bugs on the Net.
} 9. anything else from Irwin Allen.
} 10. ThunderBoids- about an elite team of boyz from Brooklyn if ya
} know watta i mean. they use their really neat gadgets (built by
} the Father *wink, wink*) to gather the insurance premiums from
} store owners.
}
} you owe the oracle a new job for Roy Scheider.
(Answer-21 Nov 1994)
The question was:
> Please enlighten me, o great one..
>
> Is Italian sausage made from real Italians?? What about Canadian bacon??
> What about French fries?? Help!! AGGGHH!! <retch> <spew> <yarf>
>
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} These foods are named, not from their content, but from the aftereffects
} of consumption.
}
} Italian sausage, after being eaten, makes you drive really fast and
} recklessly on the road--in order to get home to your bathroom. Canadian
} bacon makes you burp, burps that sound like "eh?" And French fries make
} you want to stick your tongue down someone's throat...
}
} Message from julia@pbs.org...
} > Shame, shame, Oracle! While Italian sausage and Canadian bacon are named
} > after their nation of origin, the "French" in french fries refers to the
} > way they are sliced, that is, french-cut fried potatoes.
}
} JULIA! Please! I'm the one answering the question.
}
} > Sorry.
}
} Apology accepted.
}
} > May I plug my most excellent book, "The Joy of French Cooking"?
}
} No.
}
} You owe the Oracle a twelve-course meal.
(Answer-29 Nov 1994)
The question was:
> O Wise Oracle, who knows more than a thousand university registrars:
>
> I'm in the process of registering for classes for next semester,
> and three of the classes I wish to take are being lectured by TBA.
> To make matters more complicated, TBA is often scheduled to be at
> many lectures on varying subjects simultaneously. This person
> must have knowledge and power beyond my comprension! He even has
> a room named after him! How is he able to teach all of these classes
> every semester?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Ah, yes, my good "friend", TBA. Nobody knows his real name anymore,
} so they just call him by his nickname, Tricky Beyond Acknowledgment.
} I'm sure you've met him on campus. He's the guy whom you cannot figure
} out why he's still on campus. He gets tons of money by "teaching"
} a slew of classes, but in actuality, gets other professors or graduate
} students to do the work. He also gets gobs of grant money, but doesn't
} seem to do anything but start flame wars on comp.sys.*.advocacy.
}
} TBA. Stick with him. You'll go far.
(Answer-06 Dec 1994)
The question was:
> what about the humanity man.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Look!
} Up in the sky!
} It's a bird!
} It's an ACLU member!
}
} Its...
}
} HUMANITY MAN!
}
} Humanity Man vs. the Government of Pakazula, Episode 8
}
} <The scene opens with HUMANITY MAN--in his secret identity of MILTON
} FREEMAN, field investigator for Amnesty International--relaxing in his
} hotel room after a long day talking to peasants of the Central American
} country of Pakazula. Suddenly, the SECRET POLICE burst in!>
}
} SECRET POLICE:You're under arrest!
} MILTON: (indignantly) On what charge?
} SECRET POLICE:Using the word 'happy' on a weekday.
} MILTON: (outraged) WHAT?!?
} SECRET POLICE:Too much use of THAT word might encourage hope in the
} people. We can't afford that.
}
} <SECRET POLICE drag MILTON away to Police HQ, where MILTON comes
} face-to-face with Pakazula's evil dictator, GENERAL JOSPITEL>
}
} MILTON: You can't do this to me! I have rights!
} GENERAL: (sneering) Not in Pakazula. Only I have rights.
} <MILTON sulks>
} GENERAL: Cheer up! As the villain of this adventure, it is now
} my duty to share my secret plans with you, and gloat
} over how impotent you are to stop them.
} <GENERAL presses button and a large section of the wall slides back,
} exposing a large missile.>
} MILTON: You're going to attack the United States, my
} pacifistic, non-militant nation? Remember, we still
} have a slew of defensive-only missiles.
} GENERAL: My dear (wrinkles nose) *humanitarian*, don't be
} silly. US defense is too strong, and what could one
} missile do, especially when it's filled with...
} PAMPHLETS!
} MILTON: I don't follow you...
} GENERAL: Each of these pamphlets says how terrible I am, how I
} restrict freedom and decency, blah, blah. Typical
} bleeding-heart liberal stuff. They'll cover the poor
} section of the capital.
} <GENERAL leans forward toward MILTON, eyes narrowed menacingly>
} GENERAL: But each of these pamphlets is laced with US surplus
} napalm... At least one will ignite eventually. The
} fire will incinerate the poor neighborhood, and the
} United States will be blamed for the disaster!
} MILTON: You're mad, Jospitel! You'll never get away with it!
} GENERAL: Once I'm rid of that scum, I'll set up a new Club Med
} resort... But now I must leave you, unguarded, with
} easy access to my doomsday weapon, while I go and do
} something unspecified...
}
} Will Humanity Man stop the missile in a non-violent,
} politically-correct way? Will he be able to stop General Jospitel's
} plan for building another culturally-suppressive bourgeois playground?
} Tune in next time for another exciting episode of ...
}
} HUMANITY MAN!
(Question-06 Dec 1994)
The question was:
> Why is there MS-Windows?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Once upon a time,
} In a far away land,
} Little Billy built a BASIC.
} Everyone copied it
} Because everyone loved it.
} But Little Billy wasn't happy;
} His BASIC cost big buck$;
} And all his little friends ripped him off.
}
} Little Billy went walking one day
} By Jef and Stevie's house.
} Jef had left; Stevie was being mean.
} Stevie had been stingy
} With Uncle Alan's brand new toy.
} Little Billy liked Stevie's toy.
} Little Billy liked Stevie's toy a lot.
} But Stevie wouldn't let Little Billy play.
}
} Now Little Billy soon became Big Billy.
} Big Billy still wanted Stevie's toy.
} But Stevie left town and gave Johnny his toy.
} Johhny made sure it wasn't a toy anymore.
} But Big Billy still wanted the toy.
} Big Billy couldn't get the toy.
} Johnny wouldn't give Big Billy the toy.
} Big Billy thought of Little Billy's BASIC and had an idea...
}
} Big Billy made his own toy.
} It wasn't as special a toy as Stevie's and Johnny's.
} It was a bad toy.
} But it looked like Stevie and Johnny's toy.
} Johnny didn't like that much; his toy wasn't a toy anymore.
} Johnny told Big Billy to stop making his toy.
} It was a Bad Toy.
} But Big Billy didn't stop. He was Big Billy.
}
} Johnny wasn't nice to his toy,
} But he wasn't nice to Big Billy either.
} He fought Big Billy.
} Johnny left town in a few years.
} Mikey fought Big Billy now.
} Soon he got some of Big Billy's friends to fight Big Billy.
} But Big Billy became Really Big Billy.
} Mikey and his new friends were having problems.
}
} Now Jef and Stevie's toy belongs to Mikey and all his friends.
} Really Big Billy turned into a Really Big Bully
} Who made everybody use his Bad Toy, while Mikey and his friends
} Try to get everybody to use Jef and Stevie's toy.
} Really Big Billy may have problems soon,
} But he's Really Big Billy.
} He can do what he wants and the anti-bully-boys
} Won't touch him.
}
} Mikey and his friends are trying hard.
} Maybe they'll stop Really Big Billy with Jef and Stevie's toy
} (not a toy anymore, of course);
} Jef and Stevie's toy is bigger, faster, and smarter
} And always knows what it is.
} Really Big Billy's toy is sometimes even useless.
} Even if Really Big Billy's toy gets better,
} Really Big Billy's toy still can't count.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of disk cases. This friggin' Win95 beta
} just arrived via forklift...
}
} [note:
} Billy = Bill Gates
} Jef = Jef Raskin, original designer of the Mac
} Stevie = Steve Jobs
} Johnny = John Sculley
} Mikey = Michael Spindler
} Billy's ex-friends = IBM, WordPerfect/Novell, Borland, and anyone else
} in on OpenDoc]
(Answer-06 Dec 1994)
The question was:
> Oh Oracle, whose lofty intelligence outsoars that of the...
>
> Oh, hell with it. Oracle, I'm pissed! I followed your advise about what
> to do on a first date, and now I'm barracaded in a 10'x10' woodshed, with
> a mob of angry fathers threatening to blow me up! (Fortunately, I'm never
> without my trusty pocket computer.) When I get out of here, you can
> expect a major lawsuit! But... I am willing to settle out of court. Let's
> make it nice and simple. Simply tell me
>
> a) How to get out of here with my life intact, and
> b) Start monthly payments of $10,000 in small, unmarked bills
>
> and I promise not to unleash my woodchuck robomailer.
>
> You have been warned, Oracle! Either follow my demands, or you will never
> answer a non-woodchuck question again!!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Too late. I just answered the following question:
}
} A Supplicant requires an answer to this question!
}
} > Mighty Oracle,
} >
} > My daughter is in shock after going out on a date with this
} > computer geek. I can't make out the details, but he attempted to
} > do something with a drum of honey, a Niagra adjustable bed, and
} > a cement mixer.
} >
} > Right now I--along with a dozen other fathers--have him cornered in
} > a woodshed, but he's barricaded himself in there pretty well. What
} > should we do?
}
} You don't want to know the answer.
}
} P.S. I said HAND mixer. HAND MIXER.
(Answer-11 Dec 1994)
The question was:
> The sickness... The nausea...
> The pitiless pain
> Have ceased with the fever
> That maddened my brain
> With the fever called "Finals Week"
> That burned in my brain
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The Oracle has a sure-fire cure for the Finals Blues.
}
} What you will need:
} 1) a sense of humor,
} 2) two #2 pencils, sawed through halfway down the shaft,
} 3) two ketchup packets, available at any fast-food "restaurant",
} 4) a large class (>100 students) which you will never attend,
} in a discipline completely unrelated to your own.
}
} Go into the class, pick up a final exam, and sit near one of the exits.
} Doodle on the exam for some time, then carefully tear or cut off the tops
} of the packets. Hold a pencil and a packet in each hand, such that the
} open end of the packet is pointing up (toward the thumb) and the eraser
} is sticking out of the bottom of your fist.
}
} Now scream, "I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!" and put your fists against
} your eyes, squeezing the packets so the ketchup dribbles down over your
} face. Then bolt toward the exit before any of the graduate students can
} catch you.
}
} One or more of the following will happen:
} 1) Your stress will go down considerably.
} 2) You'll make a lot of friends in that class.
} 3) You'll get expelled.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Blue Book (with the answers written in lemon juice).
(Question-01 Feb 1995)
The question was:
> There are ants crawling into my laser printer! What would insects want
> with a laser?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Isn't it obvious ?
}
} Ants are planning to take over the world.
}
} Being very inteligent creatures, they've solved all the problems in
} Ronald Ray-gun's plans, and are converting your printer into a
} star-wars type weapon of mass destruction. They've also print-napped
} my dot-matrix-printer, and are using it to make a chain-gun type
} thing. The only way to stop them is to hope they get a hold of
} Windows, and an old Pentium chip, then, when they try to use them to
} control the weapons, windows will take up so much memory and time,
} that nothing else will be possible, and the pentium will aim the
} weapons at the ants!
}
} You owe the oracle one of those bug squirter things you see in all the
} cartoons.
(Question-04 Feb 1995)
The question was:
> Who keeps asking all these lame questions? I try and try and try to
> ask you poignant, interesting questions but seem to be lost in a
> crowd of morons. Please tell me, dear Oracle, so I may hunt down your
> enemies and kill them painfully.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh, anyone at a certain address in Indiana...be sure to do askme's,
} though, and you won't have to kill them. Thanks for asking, though.
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