The Wabe → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page: Questions 90-99
(Answer-13 Jun 2000)
The question was:
> Oracle Most Wise, > > Is it wrong to read alt.binaries.nudism? > > Thank you.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, it is very wrong to read alt.binarines.nudism. You should be } decoding the pictures and looking at them instead. } } begin 644 oracle.txt } J66]U(&]W92!T:&4@3W)A8VQE(&$@9F%S="!N970@8V]N;F5C=&EO;BX* } ` } end
(Answer-30 Sep 2000)
The question was:
> O Oracle most wise, > > Do you ever surf the net in your Internet Coracle? > > What skins do you use? >
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Occasionally, but scraping the barnacles and tentacles off my coracle } is such a debacle that it's a miracle I don't end up in manicles. } } You owe the Oracle a question he doesn't want to shove up your } receptacle.
(Answer-24 Jun 2001)
The question was:
> Running Oracle, you are faster than I am. You are > not half fast like me, but half faster like you. No > one can beat you even in poker. > > My brother wants to go to Tripoli, and I looked it up > on the map, and there were TWO of them! One is in > like Lybbia and the other one isn't. With a name like > that whey are there two? I would have thought three.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The third Tripoli was renamed Bruce in 1705 by King Otto the Strange. } No one knows why. } } Other interesting geography trivia: } } * There is no such place as Cleveland, Ohio. It's really a marketing } ploy by the Ohio state tourism board. } } * As a result of the War of 1812, Paris was relocated to Kenya. } } * The terrain in Vermont makes it impossible to get from "here" to } "there." } } * Siberia is actually quite pleasant. The stories of harsh conditions } are spread by its rabidly xenophobic inhabitants. } } * Bloomington, Indiana is actually the code name for a secret underground } installation located at the South Pole. } } You owe the Oracle a new Atlas. A book with maps in it would also } help.
(Answer-24 Jun 2001)
The question was:
> Grand Oracle, you are splendid in your wrath & divine in your wit! > > Will Disney go to The Moon or Mars first?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} April 6, 2008 } } NASA FINALIZES PREPARATION OF MARS PROBE } } ORLANDO (AP) -- The final stage of NASA's massive Mars Terraforming } Project (Phase I) was unearthed from DisneyWorld early this morning. } } A modified C-130 Air Force transport will carry the cryogenically } suspended Walt Disney to a hanger at the Kennedy Space Port, where the } body will be transferred into a capsule that will contain the first } wave of robots designed to make Mars habitable. } } "We're going to thaw him to the point where he regains partial } consciousness," explained project lead Mark Thompson. "It will be } tricky; we don't want him to reach full consciousness or he may become } mentally unstable from the extreme isolation." } } In a press conference yesterday, the President was again confronted on } the ethics of sending a person into space who never explicitly gave } permission to do so. } } "Walt Disney is a perfect candidate to control the terraforming robots } on Mars," was the official response. "He was a visionary in his time; } creating clean, healthy environments with population densities that } would normally drive people psychotic. During the active portion of } his life, he stated many times that he'd like to be part of the space } program. We feel that, if he were fully conscious, he would eagerly } take up the challenge." } } The launch is scheduled for Tuesday.
(Question-03 Dec 2002)
The question was:
> If I send you a null "tell me" message even though I really, really meant > to send it as an "ask me" message, does it still count against my karma?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Your current Karma is: 20 } } You will have: Okay Luck } } You can: } 1. Send a witty 'tellme' } 2. Send a poor 'tellme' } 3. Send a 'tellme' that looks like English is your second language } 4. Send a null 'tellme' } 5. Send an 'askme' } 6. Leave now } 7. Send a null 'tellme' but really mean to send an 'askme' } } >3 } } You send a 'tellme' with several misspellings of Michael Jackson's name. } } Your Karma goes up by 35 points! Wow! } } Your Current Karma is: 55 } } You will have: Great Luck! } } You can: } 1. Send a witty 'tellme' } 2. Send a poor 'tellme' } 3. Send a 'tellme' that looks like English is your second language } 4. Send a null 'tellme' } 5. Send an 'askme' } 6. Leave now } 7. Send a null 'tellme' but really mean to send an 'askme' } } >7 } } You send a null 'tellme' even though you meant to send an 'askme'. } } Your Karma goes down by 70 points. } } Your current Karma is: -15 } } You will have: Instant Death by Coffee.
(Answer-03 Jul 2003)
The question was:
> Hello my name is Emily Northsnott and I am currently studying year 12 at > high School. I am studying Studies of society and am required to do > an independent study. I have chosen to do football and investigate > the hypothesis that Northern Suburbs footballers are bad role models for > local teenagers. It would be much appreciated if you have an info on > this topic or relating to it, if you could email it to me. > > Sincerely Emily Northsnott
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Emily, Emily, Emily. You'll never get far with that attitude. I mean, } really! everyone knows that footballers are bad role models. } Reiterating people's preconceptions is pabulum in the worst sense, and } your work will be flushed away like yesterday's table scraps. } } No, what you need to be is unconventional and controversial. Start with } your thesis and prove the opposite. Suggest that the violent behaviour } learned will be useful once the country collapses into anarchy. Hint } that the on-field camaraderie will allow the teenagers to deal with the } complex social nuances of homosexual prison rape that they will } encounter later in life. Indicate that the mimicry of heavy drug and } alcohol abuse prepares them for careers in government. } } Do well, and Rupert Murdoch may just have a place for you in his } organisation. } } You owe the Oracle a page three girl.
(Answer-06 Jul 2003)
The question was:
> Salutations Mighty Oracle. > > How should I respond to the following question, as posed to me by Alok > Braxton of Megaspam Inc.? > > Suppose we tell you that you could really lose up to 82% of your > unwanted body fat and keep it off in just a few months, would you be > interested? We certainly hope so! > > Have you tried just about every diet out there-but nothing seems to > work?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Decide on your mood, then select one of the following: } } PRECISE: I want to lose 83% of my unwanted body fat, no less. Sorry. } } OBTUSE: After I lose all that fat, will I find it under the sofa in } three months? } } CYNICAL: "Up to 82%" includes "0%," you know. } } RECURSIVE: I'm interested in knowing why you are so interested in my } interest. I find it interesting. } } PARANOID: Where will the other 18% of my unwanted body fat be? I hope } it's not my left buttock! That would make me fall over when I sit down. } } AGGRESSIVE: Do you know how many calories a good bout of "spam rage" } burns? Keep sending me mail and I won't need your product! } } You owe the Oracle a means to send unwanted body fat through e-mail.
(Answer-20 Jul 2003)
The question was:
> Wise Oracle most stimulating and talk-radio like, > > Why am I so thirsty?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hi! This is WHOR, *more* stimulating talk radio, and you're on the air! } } > Why am I so thirsty? } } Excuse me? } } > Why am I so thirsty? } } This is the All-Knowing Oracle Show, and you're asking... why you are } thirsty? } } > Yes. } } Well, have you had anything to drink lately? } } > Drink? } } Yeah, liquid refreshment, the cool stuff. Had any? } } > I do not know of this "drink" you mention. } } Ah, so you're a "long-time listener." Let me explain. Your body needs } liquid, whether you take it in the form of tap water, carbonated soda, } or fructose-laden sports enhancers. Failing to provide your body with } these liquids can result in decreased performance in the form of } "death." } } > So you suggest I have one of these "drinks." } } You and me both, pal. } } <quick snippet of canned laughter> } } Well, that was fascinating. Let's see who else wants to speak their } mind. WHOR, you're on the air... } } You owe the Oracle a stiff drink.
(Answer-16 Aug 2003)
The question was:
> Wise Oracle, > > what's that annoying buzzing I keep hearing?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Sounds like you have a wee bug in that there computer, humming and } buzzing and making your life miserable. Which reminds me... } } [The Oracle blows into a pitch pipe, then proceeds to sing one note } higher than that played.] } } > There was a young hacker who inserted a bug. } > Why would he plug at inserting a bug? } > I guess he's a thug. } > } > His replacement decided to insert a patch } > In hopes that the elusive bug it would catch. } > The patch was inserted to stop the bug, } > Who added the bug, I can just shrug. } > I guess he's a thug. } > } > His manager decided to call it a change } > How strange! to call it a change } > The change was a nicer name for the patch, } > The patch was inserted to stop the bug, } > Who added the bug, I can just shrug. } > I guess he's a thug. } > } > The marketing group called it a feature } > (as a marketing droid is a curious creature) } > The feature was named to hide the change, } > The change was a nicer name for the patch, } > The patch was inserted to stop the bug, } > Who added the bug, I can just shrug. } > I guess he's a thug. } > } > The company decided it was worth a version } > and prepared it for commercial dispersion. } > The version was released to hold the feature, } > The feature was named to hide the change, } > The change was a nicer name for the patch, } > The patch was inserted to stop the bug, } > Who added the bug, I can just shrug. } > I guess he's a thug. } > } > The user was asked to pay for this crap, } > and finally his patience at end did snap. } > So he stood up and demanded the source, } > HE DIDN'T GET IT, OF COURSE. } } You owe the Oracle a better excuse to practice his karaoke skills.
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(Answer-10 Sep 2003)
The question was:
> Dear all knowing Oracle, > > in one of your last emails you asked for a complete list of > ASCII-Characters including the (tm) sign. > Ummm... this is a bit of problem. But I've approached the appropriate > standardisation body in your name and they were ever so helpful. But > even they can't do miracles so it might take a couple of weeks. > They suggested that, in the meantime, we think of any other characters > we might want to have added to the set and also which characters are to > be dropped in favor of the new ones. > I'm for adding the (c)-sign as well and to drop 1/2 and 1/4 for the two > new signs. What are your suggestions?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} FEDERAL GOVERNMENT MANDATES ACCEPTANCE OF ASCII-16 } } ** "Like UNICODE, but without those fruity foreign currency symbols" } Bush spokesman says. } } Washington (AP) -- Last Monday, the President signed Executive Order } 2003-11, "Adoption of a 16-bit extended character standard for Federal } computer initiatives." } "The President has been advised that the number of symbols in the } current computer alphabet was too small for our current needs, so he } authorized the extension. It's similar to the popular UNICODE, but } space isn't wasted on accents or any other non-American garbage. } Important commercial symbols, including those relating to trademarks } and copyrights, have been retained." } "This is typical of the Bush administration's insensitivity to the } rest of the world," said Howard Dean, the current front-runner of the } opposing Democratic candidates. "A standard is in place which fulfills } the need of more than 95% of the industrial world, but noooooo... good } ol' G.W. has to go piss on it. What's he going to do, fill up the } remaining slots with Republican-themed dingbats?" } Dean isn't far off. A prerelease of the standard shows the majority } of the blocks filled with "Megaman" graphics, so that the President has } an easier job when he works on his weekly sprite comic. } The real pressure is now on the suppliers of computer equipment to } the Department of Defense. Since the majority of computer fonts are } licensed rather than designed in-house, it is unlikely that vendors } will have the required fonts available by the deadline prescribed in } the order. "We're not going to bother," said a spokesman for AFGA, a } major font vendor. "Our direct military sales are so low it doesn't } justify the cost. We suspect our licensees will either pick up the cost } or produce their own [low-quality] fonts. It's a boneheaded move, and I } can't see any sane organization embracing it." } The RIAA has published a statement of general approval.
Last Modified: 2003/12/11 02:00:41 GMT
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