The Wabe → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page → Rob's Mini-Oracularities Page
(Question-31 Jul 1994)
The question was:
> While doing routine computer maintenance today, I opened my mouse to clean
> the ball and found the inside chamber to be filled with a white fiberous
> material that just has to be Mouse Fungus.
>
> What can one do about Mouse Fungus? Are there any home remedies? (I'm
> sort of embarrassed about it, you know.)
>
> signed,
> Scared in Sunnyvale
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} No need to be embarrassed. Mouse Fungus, like syphilis, head lice,
} dog breath, Country Music, and pin worms, can and will happen in the
} best of families. Just go to your friendly pharmacy, and tell the
} pharmacist in a loud voice, "Fred, I think I've got Mouse Fungus. Do
} you have anything that can help?"
}
} Fred, being the friendly family pharmacist that you've seen so often
} on TV, will step out from behind the counter in his white coat. In
} his most professional pharmacist's voice he will reply, "You know,
} Janet, I'm glad you came in today. These days, we have a treatment
} for Mouse Fungus that's so safe and gentle on your mouse that you'll
} want to use it every day." Fred removes a box from the shelf and
} you will see a close-up of a small, discreet box marked
} "Fung-Off(tm)" in Fred's hand.
}
} "Is it hard to use?"
}
} "Not at all!" Cut to brief shot of product being used to clean a
} mouse. "Just take the patented mouse-wipe from its easy-open
} container, wipe once, then replace the wipe in the container for
} easy disposal." At the bottom of the screen the words appear: Use
} only as directed. "It even breaks down in ordinary sunlight, so you
} know that it's good for the environment. And it has no harsh
} chemicals which can irritate your mouse." Fred hands the box to
} Janet.
}
} "I'll try it!"
}
} Cut to another day in the pharmacy. Janet comes in through the door,
} all smiles.
}
} "Fred, it worked! Not only is my mouse totally fungus-free, but it
} gives me that all-day fresh feeling. I'm going to recommend Fung-Off
} to all of my friends."
}
} "And don't forget, Janet, it's available in new lemon scent, too."
}
} Voice-over: Fung-Off. By the makers of Raitt-Away.
}
} You owe the Oracle $8.99 + tax. Consult your doctor or pharmacist.
(Question-03 Aug 1994)
The question was:
> Oracle, I need your assistance, and FAST!
>
> It started out as a (semi-)normal party--just me and a few friends
> from college griping about how miserable our lives are now and
> exaggerating about how goofy we were in college.
>
> One of my friends got tapped (tappers--how we have gotten *so*
> power-user in our "old" age!) and suddenly remembered
> that he was going to meet some of his old Physics pals at a bar.
> Stupidly, I suggested that they come over here. Then, even more
> stupidly, I went out to the local Circle-K to get some munchies.
>
> When I got back, I found that the computer scientists had dared the
> physicists to build a high energy photon disintegrator out of parts
> "borrowed" from my image cube player. (I normally wouldn't have
> minded, but I just *bought* that player.) Then one of the
> shit-for-brains programmers I *used* to call a friend decided to hook
> it up to my ancient CrayBook for "one helluva light show."
>
> Of course, you can guess the rest. The drunken bastard screwed up the
> programming and opened up an interdimensional portal.
>
> First through was a set of miners--they looked human, except their
> brow ridges protruded like Neanderthals. They had been enslaved in
> the cesium mines of their world and thought we were angels sent to
> free them. We thought that was cool and were poised to exploit it
> mercilessly until one of them said, "Aw, shit. They're just a bunch
> of clowns with an interdimensional portal."
>
> This pissed off one of the programmers, and he tried to send the
> miners back. Instead, he got a bunch of jackal-like creatures dressed
> in what looked like waiter's uniforms--which they turned out to be.
> The miners, meanwhile, had discovered we had alcohol and started to
> imbibe it in great quantities. The waiters began milling around
> aimlessly with their trays of hors d'oeuvres. Then the computer went
> *blip* and a whole set of reptiles landed in the room. "Cool," one of
> them said, "a catered party." (The reptiles, I later found out, were
> computer programmers that had been trapped in a meeting with the
> marketing department, and, as such, were in no hurry to return.)
>
> The landlord was getting mighty pissed at the noise and made no
> attempt to be subtle. Some of the reptilian mercinaries that got
> caught in the vortices from the last shift suggested killing him, but
> their more intelligent counterparts suggested that the party simply
> move elsewhere. This relieved me greatly, as I had just washed the
> rug.
>
> Unfortunately, when they moved the party, they took my apartment with
> them: namely, almost thirty years into the past! Now I was pissed.
> Luckily I had installed the porta-reactor under the sink (blackouts
> are so common nowadays, especially with all the eco-terrorists blowing
> up the power plants). Still, being stuck out in the middle of Death
> Valley before it was developed was not pleasant. Especially without
> the terraforming towers to regulate the ambient temperature.
>
> More people (things, creatures, whatever) were arriving through the
> portal every moment, and some of the miners suggested setting up a
> "GATE tube" to bring in aliens from other planets.
>
> Last time I checked, a cat-like creature and a dwarf with eyes
> disproportionate enough to his head to qualify being an anime
> character were arguing the finer points of hyper-dimensional geometry
> over gin-and-tonics in my bedroom, the physicists had joined forces
> with the miners to bring "some *wicked* snacks" from Aldebaran Six, a
> squid-like creature was eating my ex-boyfriend's tropical fish
> straight out of the aquarium, and my living room would give Stephen
> King--you know, the Bard--nightmares.
>
> Originally, I had asked you how I could return the party (and my
> apartment!) to my own time period. But I sent a question to
> 'oracle@uoracle.net' before I remembered that that domain did not
> exist yet.
>
> But now I've been informed that some Old Gods have begun disrupting
> the potential walls of the GATE tube and are planning on dropping by.
> So, Oracle:
>
> What kind of drinks and munchies does Cthulhu like? And where's the
> nearest Circle-K to my current location?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You know, foolish mortal, that the way to get rid of your
} unwelcome guests is to throw a ripe watermelon through the
} portal. You didn't know that? Look, let me explain:
}
}
} Your portal is clearly hooked up to the planet xterm, in galaxy
} 36b, universe 47, parallel dimension 63. If you had consulted the
} handy guide to aliens- purchasable at any supermarket counter, you
} would have realized that the planet is inhabited by tiny egg shaped
} amoeboid beings called kumquatians. Had you read further, you would
} have realized that the watermelon is the sign of the kumquatian's
} "God". This religious fruit is used only once every 5 million
} years, in the traditional ceremony of the eggplant. The high priest
} of the planet, meets together with the people an proceeds to hit
} them with the ceremonial rod- commonly called the shovel. The
} watermelon is the symbol of authority, and only the highest
} officials of the land may be hit on the head with it. By throwing
} the watermelon through the inter-dimensional portal, you will brain
} the high priest, who will summon the great god NI, who will pass
} through the portal, and snatch any of his supplicants, frying them
} instantly with his freezing fire. They will die, and a small
} nuclear explosion will occur in your dwelling. You and your friends
} will be slowly vaporized, and then the remaining deities will go
} through the portal and eat your food... after all, we can't have
} nasty little humans crowding out the neighbourhood..any more than
} you would dine with a cockroach yeucchh!
}
} To get the munchies, simply use a divining rod with a pretzel on
} top to discover where the finest dirt lies. Dig where the rod
} points, and you will find mounds of taco chips.. leave these, and we
} will come... (especially me, I love taco chips.)
}
} Cthulthu says to say hi, and that he would like one chocolate
} covered squid, roasted to be medium rare- and garnished with one
} blueberry flavored marshmallow.. Zeus prefers cheezies, and Athena
} likes human hearts.. otherwise anything will do.
}
}
} For my advice, you owe me 5 bags of taco chips, 60 chocolate
} covered squids (I am in trouble with Zeus again) a watermelon, a
} shovel, and a ripe kumquat!
(Question-04 Aug 1994)
The question was:
> CERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERT
> CERT CERT
> CERT THIS IS A SPECIAL CERT BULLETIN CERT
> CERT CERT
> CERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERTCERT
>
> Attn: Usenet Oracle <root@earth.sol.cos>
> Re: VIRUS Discovered
>
> A new virus has been discovered spreading rapidly through
> CosmosNet. While the motive of the virus is believed to be benign,
> some of its interactions are destructive. The virus has been
> codenamed RELIGION, and the pathology is as follows:
>
> * Virus infects system innocently enough, maybe only through a
> single process. (INFECTION)
>
> * Most processes are immune, but a few are infected. (SPREAD)
>
> * Virus reaches point where the majority (or a significant
> plurality) of the processes are infected. Forced conversion
> or (in extreme cases) elimination of non-infected processes
> begins. (ENTRENCHMENT)
>
> * Instability in virus code causes similar (but fundimentally
> incompatible) versions of the virus to develop. (MUTATION)
>
> * Also, an older or significantly mutated version of the virus
> may be reintroduced into the system. (REINFECTION)
>
> * Incompatabilities between the different viruses cause the
> infected processes to try and terminate other processes.
> (CONFLICT)
>
> Symptoms of an infected system are:
>
> * Significant drop in throughput.
>
> * Contradictory and confusing output.
>
> * A single process or a small set of processes suddenly gain a
> high priority for no apparent reason.
>
> * Said processes also gain a significant amount of the system
> resources, voluntarily sacrificed by other processes.
> Starvation may result.
>
> * Processes refuse input that would force them to acknowledge
> that they are infected. If forced, they may terminate
> themselves.
>
> * Significant failure rate of processes (usually during the
> CONFLICT phase).
>
> According to our best estimates, this virus has been spreading
> only for the last five thousand years or so.
>
> The systems of Xiasphere, Tantalutia, Bgo'blorphi, and Kwee'twa
> have been infected. In the case of Bgo'blorphi, a small number of the
> processes managed to tap into the memory manager and flush the entire
> machine. It is now unusable.
>
> CERT suggests you scan your memory and filesystem and report its
> condition immediately.
>
> CERT EMERGENCY ACTION TEAM
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} You do realize that I am the Oracle, and I know about this already.
}
} In fact, I have already created a counter-measure. I am spreading a
} virus of my own through the USENET medium. At present, the infected
} population consists mainly of processes which do not interact much with
} more active processes (these are codenamed NERDS), but this population
} should increase dramatically once I hook up with AOL, Delphi, and
} CompuServe.
}
} After infecting enough NERDS, my virus will wipe out all the other
} viruses.
}
} So you have nothing to worry about.
(Question-10 Aug 1994)
The question was:
> Oracle,
> I'll make a spectacle
> Inside a tabernacle
> And say you are a miracle
> You are the pinnacle
> You fear no obstacle
> You have no tentacles
> Please tell me Oracle,
> What else rhymes with "Oracle"?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Oh worthy one, the answer is the little old man from Nantucket and,
} until lately, Dr. Seuss. We did have a groovy poetic threesome, rhyming
} together -- indeed, some said we were dispensing truly lyrical treacle
} from our maniacal vehicle.
(Answer-11 Aug 1994)
The question was:
> Oh wise and outspoken Oracle.
>
> What does the "NT" in Windows NT stand for?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} (N)ice (T)ry
}
} You owe the Oracle Bill Gates's income since 1987.
(Question-16 Aug 1994)
The question was:
> Where in the hell is Carmen SanDiego?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Currently, Carmen Sandiego is hiding out in SimCity 2000, with her
} henchmen: Arthur Dent, Guybrush Threepwood, Ms. Pac-Man, a pawn from
} BattleChess, Dan Quayle, Mario and Sonic.
}
} Carmen says, "Okay, gang, they think they have us cornered. But we can
} still save our skins if we work this right. Let's get out of here."
}
} Immediately, Sonic bounces up and around the room, ricoshetting off
} of several walls, smashing the pawn flat ("Unhhh" says the pawn,
} just before it disappears) and flying out the door and down an
} alleyway.
}
} Arthur opens a satchel and pulls out an electronic thumb. He presses
} a button on the thumb. Which button? The green one, labelled
} "hitchhike". A swirl of lights forms around him as he is sucked
} aboard a passing Vogon cruiser. He is in... Dark.
}
} Guybrush walks to where a cable leads out a window and over to a
} neighboring island. Using a rubber chicken with a pulley in the
} middle, he slides down the cable to safety.
}
} Ms. Pac-Man adjusts the little pink bow on her yellow head and
} starts munching her way out the door, but she gets gobbled up by a
} ghost before she can get to a Power Pill.
}
} Dan Quayle picks up a large instruction book and looks through
} it. After five minutes, he types cautiously on the keyboard "FORMATT
} C:" and watches the screen for a response. After five more minutes
} of watching the screen and looking through the book, he tries
} pressing the enter key.
}
} Mario runs to the corner and jumps up to grab a hammer. After about
} ten seconds of smashing everything he can find (including Dan
} Quayle) the hammer fades away and Mario jumps out the window after
} Guybrush.
}
} Sherlock Holmes, Consulting Detective, walks in and captures Dan
} Quayle. "I'll appeal if I'm found guilty," says Dan. "IF I'm still
} in jail."
}
} In all of the confusion, Carmen has slipped away again.
}
} You owe the Oracle 100 new landscapes for OXYD.
(Answer-08 Sep 1994)
The question was:
> oh oracle, where is a good gif archive ?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Cum one! Cum all!
}
} Git 'em while they last!
}
} They're Ho-Ho-Hot!
}
} It's the Oracle's
}
} ULTRA XXX PORNOGRAPHIC GIF SITE!!
}
} We've got breasts! Vaginas! Penises! Penises sticking into vaginas!
} Men on women! Women on men! Men on men! Women on ponies!
}
} Guaranteed to make your arm EXHAUSTED!
}
} What do YOU have to do to get the address of this site?!?
}
} NOTHING!!!
}
} That's right! The Oracle, in his benevolence, is giving you the address
} of this site WITHOUT CHARGE!
}
} And without further ado, THE ADDRESS:
}
} ~~~~@@~~~~~~~~~ **fzzzip**
}
} [ Sorry to interrupt, but that was not the Oracle. We've been having
} problems with hackers who have been redirecting the mail for their
} own nefarious purposes. The address they would have given you was
} the home machine of Tipper Gore. -skkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk ]
}
} [ Sorry about that. My keyboard's sticky for some reason. -sk ]
}
} You owe Kinzler a Wet-Nap(tm).
(Answer-27 Oct 1994)
The question was:
> The Usenet Supplicant has no questions to ask.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, that's just dandy! Here I am, spending the entire evening
} draining the Woodchuck Queue when I could have been doing something
} INTERESTING, and when I'm done, I find out that there are no more
} questions on the minds of the supplicants!
}
} Well, might as well start off with a new batch...
} ^Z
} Stopped
}
} > su
} Password:
} # rm -f /universe/planet/earth/human/*
} # mkspecies -t human -w /universe/planet/earth &
} [2] 3632
} # exit
} > fg
}
} You owe the Oracle a question. Your species depends on it.
(Answer-29 Oct 1994)
The question was:
> Oh oracle who is brighter then all others combined,
>
> How many lightbulbs will it take to change the martians?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Let's see, going under the assumption that the Martians (please watch
} your capitalization!) want to invade Earth in order to catch some rays,
} we shall assume that the lightbulbs are needed to increase the amount
} of light hitting Mars so that it will equal that of Earth.
}
} Total radiation power of the Sun: 3.92E+26 W
} Distance from Earth to Sun (mean): 1.50E+11 m
} Energy impacting Earth (avg): 1.39E+3 W/m^2
} Distance from Mars to Sun (mean): 2.28E+11 m
} Energy impacting Mars (avg): 6.00E+2 W/m^2
}
} Total daytime surface area for Mars: 2.89E+14 m^2
} Total daytime radiation: 1.74E+17 W
} Total wanted daytime radiation: 4.02E+17 W
}
} Number of General Electric 60 W Soft-White Bulbs needed:
} 3,810,000,000,000,000 !!!
}
} That's a HELL of a lot of light bulbs.
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