(Question-06 Jun 1998)
The question was:
> In the battle of the sexes, who is winning?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The lawyers.
(Question-22 Jul 1998)
The question was:
> Oracle, please sing me a song about Alviso, the Mud-filled Marina.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} In Sunnyvale did Moffett Field } A stately Air Force base decree } Where Stevens creek, the sacred river ran } Through mud-flats measureless to man } Down to the sunless sea. } } You owe the Oracle a cubic foot of "Dumbarton Snow".
(Answer-25 Jul 1998)
The question was:
> I asked the post office to forward my email after I moved, but they said > they wouldn't. It's outrageous! What makes them think they can get > away with this ridiculous behavior?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's not that they *wouldn't*, it's that they *couldn't*, and it's all } your fault. You forgot to bring Form 113837591757-xd, Request to Forward } Electronic Messages over USENET. } } Fortunately, I happen to have a stack here (just in case those pesky } FBI agents are able to reconstruct the evidence). Here you go... } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Form 113837591757-xd } Request to Forward Electronic Messages over USENET } } 1) Name (Last, First, MI): ____________________________________________ } 2) Current E-Mail address: ____________________________________________ } 3) New E-mail address (All styles required for proper processing) } 3a) Internet form: _________________________________________________ } 3b) UUCP form: _____________________________________________________ } 3c) BITnet form: ___________________________________________________ } 3d) DECnet form: ___________________________________________________ } 3e) FIDOnet form: __________________________________________________ } } 4) Are you directly connected to the Internet? Y/N } 4a) If "No," why the hell not? _____________________________________ } } 5) Do you plan to read the forwarded mail on a machine running a } Microsoft operating system? Y/N } 5a) If "Yes," are you willing to admit that to others? Y/N } 5a1) If "Yes," are you actually *proud* of that fact? Y/N } 5a1a) If "Yes," do not complete this form. Call } 1-800-555-7726 and report yourself immediately. } Special agents will arrive at your home quickly and } administer a severe beating. } 5b) If "No," are you willing to jump on the bandwagon and come to } Washington, D.C. to testify in front of the Senate that Bill Gates } sucks the bone marrow out of sacrificed infants? Y/N } } 6) Do you plan to send messages that use HTML in the body, knowing } full well that not everybody on the planet is stupid enough to use } Netscape as a mail reader? Y/N } } 7) Do you plan to send "Virtual Greeting Cards," even though they } make you appear to be the Cheapest Bastard on Earth? } } 8) Do you: } 8a) send SPAM mail? } 8b) naively reply to SPAM with "REMOVE" as the subject? } 8c) send a complaint to the Postmaster on the machine mentioned in } the "From" line? } 8d) spend your entire lunch hour analyzing the 'Received' header } lines, carefully backtracking until you are able to nail the } asshole to the wall? } } 9) Do you automatically destroy mail from: } 9a) Hotmail? } 9b) Juno? } 9c) Bigfoot? } 9d) AOL? } 9e) Netcom? } 9f) anyone who sends mail with the subject "Make Money Fast"? } 9g) the Usenet Oracle? } 9h) the Internet Oracle? } 9i) anyone sending an Oracle question mentioning "Zadoc"? } } (SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS IF ANY OF THE ABOVE DESCRIBE YOU: Do not } complete this form. Call 1-800-555-7726 and report yourself } immediately. Special agents will arrive at your home quickly and } administer a severe beating.) } } 10) Do you use the Internet to download pornography? Y/Y } 10a) Please list the sites here: ___________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } _______________________________________________________________ } } 11) Have you ever as a system administrator at a large California } university become so infuriated with people playing XTrek that you } routed all the packets between your cluster and the server through a } machine in Sweden? Y/N } 11a) Would you do it again in a heartbeat? Y/N } 11b) Do you want to work for us? Y/N } } 12) Do you eat and drink at the keyboard, knowing full well that a } slip will make the keyboard so gooey that if you ever hit the } 'zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' key it will stick until you lift the keyboard a } foot off the table and drop it? Y/N } } 13) Have you ever been sexually assaulted by the President of the } United States? Y/N } } 14) After spending this amount of time filling out this form, do you } suddenly have a longing for the "good ol' days" when sending mail } meant sitting down at a desk and putting pen to paper? Do you } long for the taste of mucilage? Do you wistfully sigh when you } open your mailbox and only find ads from the drug store? Y/N } } I HEREBY STATE UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY THAT ALL THE INFORMATION ON } THIS DOCUMENT IS CORRECT. } Signed _________________________ } Date _________________________ } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Answer-04 Aug 1998)
The question was:
> Oh most cool one, what do you drive?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} About 240 yards, on my better days. That is, of course, with no wind. } } You owe the Oracle a new set of golf clubs.
(Answer-21 Sep 1998)
The question was:
> O Oracle most oracular, who is the most oraclacaceous being there be, whose > oraculacity is beyond puny human ken, > > After years of observing squirrels, I have noticed that they have an uncanny > resemblence to each other. I believe that there are only in fact two squirrels > on earth. Is this true? And how have they managed to pull off this illusion > so well?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Close, supplicant, close. It is a strong possibility that there is } only ONE squirrel in the universe. How can I say that, seeing that } there are numerous eyewitness reports of large congregations of } squirrels in parks? Quite simple, actually: according to the theory, } gray squirrels are simply brown squirrels going BACKWARDS IN TIME. } } THE SINGLE SQUIRREL THEORY } } Naturalists have long reported two unique phenomena dealing with } brown/gray squirrel interaction. The first happens when a gray } squirrel collides with a brown squirrel: they disappear and emit a } nutron (NUT-ron) particle. This is known as "annihilation." The } other happens when a nutron suddenly becomes a brown/gray squirrel } combination. This is known as "pair production." Traditionally, the } gray squirrel is known as the antisquirrel because it appears less } frequently than its brown counterpart. } } The Single Squirrel Theory (SST) says that these collisions are not } creating and destroying squirrels, but simply changing their } chronological momentum. Take a look at the following diagram, of } actual squirrel activity along a sidewalk in Central Park, New York } City: } } ^ N N } | N \ | } T / A A N = nutron } I A / \ |\ B = brown squirrel } M / \ / G B G G = gray squirrel } E B G B \| \ A = annihilation event } | / \ / P \ P = pair-production event } / P / \ } / | N \ } / N \ } } <--- SIDEWALK ---> } } (Forgive the crudity of the drawing, time-space diagrams are difficult } in ASCII.) In our time frame, it appears that two pair-production } events generate two gray/brown squirrel pairs, which are annihilated } moments later, some through interactions of browns and grays already } on the sidewalk. } } But if we take a static time-space view, we can visualize a completely } different process. One can follow an unbroken path, going forward (up) } with brown squirrels, and backward (down) with gray squirrels. } Annihilations are simply the conversion of a brown to a gray (with the } nutron carrying the forward time momentum away) and pair-productions } are the reverse effect (with the nutron leaving the event in reverse } time). } } The SST is our best theory yet for dealing with the exotica of Quantum } Furrydynamics, but there are still some bugs to be worked out. For } instance, how do squirrel quarks (e.g., roadkill) fit into the theory? } What about strong evidence for the existence of proto-squirrels? It } is my hope, that with lots of government funding, I can solve these } problems. } } You owe the Oracle a government grant and a supercollider.
(Answer-24 Sep 1998)
The question was:
> PINKY: So what are we doing here? > > BRAIN: I've told you! We're filling in for the Usenet Oracle for a > week, so he can go on vacation. > > PINKY: Erm, OK. But what do *you* get out of it, Brain? > > > ______________________________________________________ > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} BRAIN: See that logo annoying splashed on the bottom of our mail } message? It means we are using HotMail, a recognized leader in the } generation of unsolicited commericial missives. } } PINKY: Oh, you mean SPAM! Poit! Narf! Spam, spam, loverly spam... } } <BOP!> } } BRAIN: That's enough of that. Now, I've compiled a list of the most } irritating features of an unsol... er, spam message, and combined them } into the most irritating message of all... the ultimate spam! } } PINKY: Naaaaaaaaaaaarf! } } BRAIN: Yes, ahem, narf. Then we'll... } } PINKY: No, no, let me, let me! We'll spam them and suggest they join } the Narf of the Day mailing list! They'll laugh so hard that they'll } fall off their chairs and twist their ankles! Then, when they're all } in the hospital... } } <BOP!> } } BRAIN: YOU'LL be in the hospital if you keep this up. And don't ever } mention that Narf of the Day mailing list again! How can anyone find } any humor in... never mind. This is the plan: We'll send out a } message so annoying, so offensive, so utterly obnoxious that people } WON'T be able to throw it away. They'll try to respond to it, they'll } try to dissect it, they'll forward it to abuse complaint lines and } postmasters all over the globe, effectively paralyzing the global } information infrastructure for hours, in which time we'll TAKE OVER } THE WORLD! } } PINKY: Amazing, Brain! Stupendous, uh, oh, no, wait... How are we } going to get that message to so many people? Isn't there a limit on } how many recipients you can send a message to? } } BRAIN: Yes, there is. However, we are-- that is, I am-- going to use } one of the numerous security holes in Windows NT to break in and } remove that restriction. } } PINKY: But Brain, ... } } BRAIN: Quiet, Pinky! Give me a hand with the door to the server vault. } } PINKY: But Brain, ... } } BRAIN: I said quiet, Pinky! } } <CREEEEEEEK!> } } BRAIN: Excellent! Now, hand me the floppy... What is this!?! } } PINKY: It's what I've been trying to tell you, Brain. They couldn't } get Windows NT to handle all the mail messages going through HotMail, } so they had to use Solaris. It was covered in the Narf of the... uh, } you know. } } BRAIN: This is so... so annoying! My perfect plan for world } domination, fouled by the limitations of Windows NT! } } PINKY: I think Bill Gates has the exact same feeling. } } BRAIN: Close the door, Pinky. We need to go back to the lab, to get } ready for tomorrow night. } } PINKY: Why, Brain? What are we doing tomorrow night? Hacking into } Juno? } } <BOP!> } } BRAIN: No, Pinky, it's the same thing we do EVERY night... Try to take } over the Internet! } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to the Narf of the Day mailing list.
(Answer-14 Apr 1999)
The question was:
> Of course, you realize this means war!!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} OK, let's do it! } } +---+ +---+ } | | | | } | 7 | | 7 | } | +-----+ +-----+ | } +--| @@@+---+ +---+@@@ |--+ } +----| | | |----+ } | J | | 8 | } | | | | } +---+ +---+ } } I win! And look, I got one of your aces! You're toast now, monkey } boy! } } You owe the Oracle a better way of killing a rainy afternoon.
(Answer-05 Jan 2000)
The question was:
> Oracle most measureless and cherished, > > Are there still dwarves mining the depths below our feet?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Dwarves underneath our feet, mining away? Preposterous. } } Although.... it *has* been a while since I've checked my mines. I mean, } there's a steady stream of gold from the Lost Indiana lode (one of the } best kept secrets in this country, BTW), so I really don't need to keep } tabs on the lot... } } Come along, supplicant. I shall give you the tour of the mine. Watch } your step there... it's a bit rough here... heads up! oh, sorry, should } have given you this hardhat earlier... careful, that shaft looks ready } to collapse... need to replace these timbers one of these days... oh, } look, quartz! I'll add this to my rock collection... yes, it is a bit } stuffy, one of the circulating fans must be off-line... and here we are! } } Let's ask this fellow about dwarves... You, good man! } } "Yes?" } } Do you know anything about... wait a minute, you look familiar. } } "No I don't. Trick of the light. You have dust in your eyes!" } } Wait, now I recognize you! You're Michael Dukakis! } } "*sigh* Yes, you caught me." } } But what are you doing here, down in my mine? } } "After failing so miserably in 1988, I decided to go into hiding rather } than be ridiculed for the rest of my life. It's not Palm Springs, but } I get three squares a day and there's no chance of 'Spy' magazine } finding me here." } } Anyone else of note? } } "Well, the fella over there doing the pie chart of mineral yields is } Ross Perot..." } } Well, thank you for your time. } } I guess you were right, supplicant. There are dwarves still mining } beneath our feet... if not in stature, in character. } } You owe the Oracle a replacement "Bill 'n' Opus-- Why Not the Worst?" } bumper sticker.
(Answer-09 Jan 2000)
The question was:
> Oracle, you are more musical than Apollo, more muscular than > Hephaestus, stronger than Heracles, longer than--Hades, I don't have > to spout this dreck--you and I were in grade school together. > > Anyway, I have this problem. On a whim, I got a permanent. Boy, was > that a mistake. I wanted body and bounce, but my snakes became limp > and lifeless. I figure that, if you can't help me, then Lisa can. > Any ideas? > > Love and kisses to you both, > > The Gorgon Stheno
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Long time no see. Isn't it a wonder how the Internet gets old friends } back in contact? } } Anyway, I'm not sure how to answer your question as I've never had to } deal with a limp snake. Nope, never, not me. But if I were you I'd } go over to Dionysus's place and ask his son Priapus for some advice. } If there's anyone who would know how to add bounce to a lifeless snake } he'd be the one. } } You owe the Oracle some Viagra. Er, it's for a friend. Really.
(Answer-12 Jun 2000)
The question was:
> Wise Oracle, > > Why doesn't the USA buy Baja California?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} July, 2000: Mexico's foolish investment into "dot-coms" surfaces. } Peso crashes. } } August, 2000: US agrees to buy Baja California for $12 billion. } } October, 2000: Deal finalized. Baja California is annexed onto } California. } } January, 2001: Los Angeles, always so appearance-conscious, complains } that the newly annexed territory makes state look } "lame." } } March, 2001: Emergency measure passed to create 51st state from the } region previously known as Baja California. New } states will follow prior convention and be known as } North and South California. } } March, 2001: San Francisco claims that "Northern California" has } always been associated with class and sophistication, } so Los Angeles shouldn't be allowed into the new North } California. } } April, 2001: Los Angeles says "that uppity city of fruits" has no } right claiming they lack class. } } June, 2001: In a surprise move, Fresno claims "it is sick of BOTH } those losers" and wants its own state. } } August, 2001: NBC news reveals secret tapes showing the mayors of } Sacramento, Bakersfield, and Fresno planning a } secession from the state of North California. } } November, 2001: San Diego, sick and tired of the whole thing, applies } for political amnesty in Mexico. Says the mayor: } "It's not like anyone would notice, right?" } } February, 2002: Talks break down. Los Angeles and San Francisco agree } to form a loose alliance against the Inland Empire. } } March, 2003: The US attempts to sell the Californias back to Mexico } after it is discovered that they invested the entire } Federal Budget in "Pokemon: The Second Movie." } } April, 2003: Mexico refutes the offer, with a snicker and the } comment "You wanted it; well, now you got it." } } May, 2003: The LAPD invades Bakersfield. } } June, 2003: In retaliation, 400,000 tons of raisins fall on } downtown San Francisco, paralyzing the city. San } Francisco responds with "Rice-a-roni" bombs. } } July, 2003: WHERE IN HELL DID FRESNO GET NUKES?!? } } August, 2003: The area previously known as Baja California is now } officially renamed "California." The area previously } known as California is now called "the radioactive } wasteland formerly known as California." } } You owe the Oracle a box of raisins, a ride on a cable car, and the } destruction of Kevin Costner's next post-apocalyptic movie before it } hits the theaters.