Questions 11-20

Question #11

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The question was:

Will there ever be a worse Sci-Fi show than "SeaQuest DSV"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

flip...
flip...
flip...

ah..

I was just going through some old TV Guides and came across some really
bad SF shows that make DSV look like a million bucks.

 1. Voyage to the Bottom of The SeaFood Basket- about a really fat
    family ordering at Red Lobster in 2205 AD.
 2. The Time Tunnel-Bunnies- a cyborg postitute who also poses as a
    toll booth. 
 3. Land on the Giant Underpants- our fat family returns, and it's
    laundry day.  Yoiks!
 4. The Outer Speed Limits- about cops, speeders and particle beam
    cannons. 
 5. Gigantor-roni - about a giant-super robot made out of pasta.
 6. Lost in Parking Spaces- about little blue haired ladies who can't
    back their sky cars out of the handicap spot on Pluto.
 7. Babble-on and on and on and on and on till 5- about a group of
    yentas from Long Island who talk on their space phones all day
    until 5 pm Moon Standard Time. 
 8. Twime Twax- Elmer Fudd stars as a futuristic hunter who chases
    Cyber-Bugs on the Net.
 9. anything else from Irwin Allen.
10. ThunderBoids- about an elite team of boyz from Brooklyn if ya
    know watta i mean. they use their really neat gadgets (built by
    the Father *wink, wink*) to gather the insurance premiums from
    store owners.

you owe the oracle a new job for Roy Scheider.

Question #12

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The question was:

Please enlighten me, o great one..

Is Italian sausage made from real Italians??  What about Canadian bacon??
What about French fries??  Help!!  AGGGHH!! <retch> <spew> <yarf>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

These foods are named, not from their content, but from the aftereffects
of consumption.

Italian sausage, after being eaten, makes you drive really fast and
recklessly on the road--in order to get home to your bathroom.  Canadian
bacon makes you burp, burps that sound like "eh?"  And French fries make
you want to stick your tongue down someone's throat...

Message from julia@pbs.org...
> Shame, shame, Oracle!  While Italian sausage and Canadian bacon are named
> after their nation of origin, the "French" in french fries refers to the
> way they are sliced, that is, french-cut fried potatoes.

JULIA!  Please!  I'm the one answering the question.

> Sorry.

Apology accepted.

> May I plug my most excellent book, "The Joy of French Cooking"?

No.

You owe the Oracle a twelve-course meal.

Question #13

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The question was:

O Wise Oracle, who knows more than a thousand university registrars:

I'm in the process of registering for classes for next semester,
and three of the classes I wish to take are being lectured by TBA.
To make matters more complicated, TBA is often scheduled to be at
many lectures on varying subjects simultaneously.  This person
must have knowledge and power beyond my comprension!  He even has
a room named after him!  How is he able to teach all of these classes
every semester?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Ah, yes, my good "friend", TBA.  Nobody knows his real name anymore,
so they just call him by his nickname, Tricky Beyond Acknowledgment.
I'm sure you've met him on campus.  He's the guy whom you cannot figure
out why he's still on campus.  He gets tons of money by "teaching"
a slew of classes, but in actuality, gets other professors or graduate
students to do the work.  He also gets gobs of grant money, but doesn't
seem to do anything but start flame wars on comp.sys.*.advocacy.

TBA.  Stick with him.  You'll go far.

Question #14

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The question was:

what about the humanity man.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Look!
        Up in the sky!
                         It's a bird!
                                        It's an ACLU member!

Its...

              HUMANITY MAN!

  Humanity Man vs. the Government of Pakazula, Episode 8

<The scene opens with HUMANITY MAN--in his secret identity of MILTON
 FREEMAN, field investigator for Amnesty International--relaxing in his
 hotel room after a long day talking to peasants of the Central American
 country of Pakazula.  Suddenly, the SECRET POLICE burst in!>

SECRET POLICE:You're under arrest!
MILTON:   (indignantly) On what charge?
SECRET POLICE:Using the word 'happy' on a weekday.
MILTON:   (outraged) WHAT?!?
SECRET POLICE:Too much use of THAT word might encourage hope in the
      people.  We can't afford that.

<SECRET POLICE drag MILTON away to Police HQ, where MILTON comes
 face-to-face with Pakazula's evil dictator, GENERAL JOSPITEL>

MILTON:   You can't do this to me!  I have rights!
GENERAL:  (sneering) Not in Pakazula.  Only I have rights.
<MILTON sulks>
GENERAL:  Cheer up!  As the villain of this adventure, it is now
      my duty to share my secret plans with you, and gloat
      over how impotent you are to stop them.
<GENERAL presses button and a large section of the wall slides back,
 exposing a large missile.>
MILTON:   You're going to attack the United States, my
      pacifistic, non-militant nation?  Remember, we still
      have a slew of defensive-only missiles.
GENERAL:  My dear (wrinkles nose) *humanitarian*, don't be
      silly.  US defense is too strong, and what could one
      missile do, especially when it's filled with...
      PAMPHLETS!
MILTON:   I don't follow you...
GENERAL:  Each of these pamphlets says how terrible I am, how I
      restrict freedom and decency, blah, blah.  Typical
      bleeding-heart liberal stuff.  They'll cover the poor
      section of the capital.
<GENERAL leans forward toward MILTON, eyes narrowed menacingly>
GENERAL:  But each of these pamphlets is laced with US surplus
      napalm...  At least one will ignite eventually.  The
      fire will incinerate the poor neighborhood, and the
      United States will be blamed for the disaster!
MILTON:   You're mad, Jospitel!  You'll never get away with it!
GENERAL:  Once I'm rid of that scum, I'll set up a new Club Med
      resort...  But now I must leave you, unguarded, with
      easy access to my doomsday weapon, while I go and do
      something unspecified...

Will Humanity Man stop the missile in a non-violent,
politically-correct way?  Will he be able to stop General Jospitel's
plan for building another culturally-suppressive bourgeois playground?
Tune in next time for another exciting episode of ...

              HUMANITY MAN!

Question #15

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The question was:

Why is there MS-Windows?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Once upon a time,
In a far away land,
Little Billy built a BASIC.
Everyone copied it
Because everyone loved it.  
But Little Billy wasn't happy;
His BASIC cost big buck$;
And all his little friends ripped him off.

Little Billy went walking one day 
By Jef and Stevie's house.
Jef had left; Stevie was being mean.
Stevie had been stingy 
With Uncle Alan's brand new toy.
Little Billy liked Stevie's toy.
Little Billy liked Stevie's toy a lot.
But Stevie wouldn't let Little Billy play.

Now Little Billy soon became Big Billy.
Big Billy still wanted Stevie's toy.
But Stevie left town and gave Johnny his toy.
Johhny made sure it wasn't a toy anymore.
But Big Billy still wanted the toy.
Big Billy couldn't get the toy.
Johnny wouldn't give Big Billy the toy.
Big Billy thought of Little Billy's BASIC and had an idea...

Big Billy made his own toy.
It wasn't as special a toy as Stevie's and Johnny's.
It was a bad toy.
But it looked like Stevie and Johnny's toy.
Johnny didn't like that much; his toy wasn't a toy anymore.
Johnny told Big Billy to stop making his toy.
It was a Bad Toy.
But Big Billy didn't stop. He was Big Billy.

Johnny wasn't nice to his toy, 
But he wasn't nice to Big Billy either.
He fought Big Billy.
Johnny left town in a few years.
Mikey fought Big Billy now.
Soon he got some of Big Billy's friends to fight Big Billy.
But Big Billy became Really Big Billy.
Mikey and his new friends were having problems.

Now Jef and Stevie's toy belongs to Mikey and all his friends.
Really Big Billy turned into a Really Big Bully
Who made everybody use his Bad Toy, while Mikey and his friends
Try to get everybody to use Jef and Stevie's toy.
Really Big Billy may have problems soon, 
But he's Really Big Billy. 
He can do what he wants and the anti-bully-boys
Won't touch him.

Mikey and his friends are trying hard.
Maybe they'll stop Really Big Billy with Jef and Stevie's toy
(not a toy anymore, of course);
Jef and Stevie's toy is bigger, faster, and smarter
And always knows what it is.
Really Big Billy's toy is sometimes even useless.
Even if Really Big Billy's toy gets better, 
Really Big Billy's toy still can't count.

You owe the Oracle a case of disk cases.  This friggin' Win95 beta
just arrived via forklift...

[note:
     Billy = Bill Gates
     Jef = Jef Raskin, original designer of the Mac
     Stevie = Steve Jobs
     Johnny = John Sculley
     Mikey = Michael Spindler
     Billy's ex-friends = IBM, WordPerfect/Novell, Borland, and anyone else
       in on OpenDoc]

Question #16

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The question was:

Oh Oracle, whose lofty intelligence outsoars that of the...
 
Oh, hell with it.  Oracle, I'm pissed!  I followed your advise about what
to do on a first date, and now I'm barracaded in a 10'x10' woodshed, with
a mob of angry fathers threatening to blow me up!  (Fortunately, I'm never
without my trusty pocket computer.)  When I get out of here, you can
expect a major lawsuit!  But... I am willing to settle out of court.  Let's
make it nice and simple.  Simply tell me 
 
a) How to get out of here with my life intact, and
b) Start monthly payments of $10,000 in small, unmarked bills
 
and I promise not to unleash my woodchuck robomailer.
 
You have been warned, Oracle!  Either follow my demands, or you will never
answer a non-woodchuck question again!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Too late.  I just answered the following question:

A Supplicant requires an answer to this question!

> Mighty Oracle,
>
> My daughter is in shock after going out on a date with this
> computer geek.  I can't make out the details, but he attempted to
> do something with a drum of honey, a Niagra adjustable bed, and
> a cement mixer.
>
> Right now I--along with a dozen other fathers--have him cornered in
> a woodshed, but he's barricaded himself in there pretty well.  What
> should we do?

You don't want to know the answer.

P.S.  I said HAND mixer.  HAND MIXER.

Question #17

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The question was:

    The sickness... The nausea...
          The pitiless pain
    Have ceased with the fever
          That maddened my brain
    With the fever called "Finals Week"
    That burned in my brain

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

The Oracle has a sure-fire cure for the Finals Blues.

What you will need:
  1) a sense of humor,
  2) two #2 pencils, sawed through halfway down the shaft,
  3) two ketchup packets, available at any fast-food "restaurant",
  4) a large class (>100 students) which you will never attend,
     in a discipline completely unrelated to your own.

Go into the class, pick up a final exam, and sit near one of the exits.
Doodle on the exam for some time, then carefully tear or cut off the tops
of the packets.  Hold a pencil and a packet in each hand, such that the
open end of the packet is pointing up (toward the thumb) and the eraser
is sticking out of the bottom of your fist.

Now scream, "I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!" and put your fists against
your eyes, squeezing the packets so the ketchup dribbles down over your
face.  Then bolt toward the exit before any of the graduate students can
catch you.

One or more of the following will happen:
  1)  Your stress will go down considerably.
  2)  You'll make a lot of friends in that class.
  3)  You'll get expelled.

You owe the Oracle a Blue Book (with the answers written in lemon juice).

Question #18

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The question was:

There are ants crawling into my laser printer!  What would insects want
with a laser?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Isn't it obvious ?

Ants are planning to take over the world.

Being very inteligent creatures, they've solved all the problems in
Ronald Ray-gun's plans, and are converting your printer into a
star-wars type weapon of mass destruction. They've also print-napped
my dot-matrix-printer, and are using it to make a chain-gun type
thing. The only way to stop them is to hope they get a hold of
Windows, and an old Pentium chip, then, when they try to use them to
control the weapons, windows will take up so much memory and time,
that nothing else will be possible, and the pentium will aim the
weapons at the ants!

You owe the oracle one of those bug squirter things you see in all the
cartoons.

Question #19

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The question was:

Who keeps asking all these lame questions?  I try and try and try to
ask you poignant, interesting questions but seem to be lost in a
crowd of morons.  Please tell me, dear Oracle, so I may hunt down your
enemies and kill them painfully.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Oh, anyone at a certain address in Indiana...be sure to do askme's, 
though, and you won't have to kill them.  Thanks for asking, though.

Question #20

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The question was:

q

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

A QUEUE is a common data structure that allows serial access to data,
where the order of retrieval is the same as the order of storage.
Also known as a FIFO (First-In, First-Out).  Compare with a STACK,
where the order of data retrieval is the opposite of the order of
storage.

You owe the Oracle a book on common data structures and a partridge in
an AVL tree.